Wake me up when it's over...

There are some points in the journey of being "infertile" that I really don't mind.

=> Although the fertility center is more than 50 minutes away, and my appointments are on the cusp of the morning rush hour, usually I miss the traffic. It's actually a pleasant drive too.
=> Everyone at the center is SO sweet. I've only had one negative experience so far, but I'm going to try to stay positive here. The girls at the front desk are always smiling, the girls who draw my blood are so gentle and encouraging, the sonographer (is that what they are called?) is so patient in explaining what each and every dot is on the screen while she's performing my ultrasounds, sweet Nurse Stephanie is so calming and understanding, and Dr. O is never in a hurry to explain his answer to my "last" question. Really great group of people there.
=> Taking all of the hormones tends to make me a bit, well, "itchy". I know what you're thinking... how is this a good thing? Partly it's good because I get a little more room to be a bit more aggressive. I don't apologize for things that aren't my fault. I don't try to make everyone's lives easier, I just tell it like it is. The other part of why this is good thing is because it shows me who really loves me for the me that's deep inside this mess of a person that I can be sometimes. There is a group of people who know exactly where I am in my cycle, and they give me the room to be dramatically depressed or completely discouraged. They pick me up, tell me to stay focused, and walk next to me until I'm strong enough to stand up myself. I love this group of people so very much.
=>There are perks to a BFN too... like, I can have a glass of wine, or eat sushi with my girlfriend. After my first BFN, I called my pal and asked if she'd meet me for some sushi, and she enthusiastically said "YES"! At the drop of a hat, no need to plan weeks ahead of time. Those are the best kind of friends. The ones who don't require scheduled bonding time.

While the things that are listed above do help to keep my head above water, every day is not a ray of sunshine in my house. I still have days when I sob over my quiet house, or look at Kirk and wish that he didn't have to deal with my mood swings. Some days I just wish that I could take a nap and wake up with a baby. I know the day will come, but the waiting is just so painful sometimes. To be honest, the only thing that gets me through is my faith in Jesus. He's got a plan that is better than mine, and bigger than my mind can comprehend. There's a couple of songs that really stick in my head when I'm losing my way... Casting Crowns- Praise you in this Storm- the chorus goes like this:
I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands.
You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, you hold in your hand.
You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

Another special song is by Tenth Avenue North- By your side. It's a song that Jesus used so powerfully to me so many times. Really amazing lyrics:
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall.
In the dead of night, whenever you call.
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you.

The latest song that has touched my heart is by John Waller- While I'm Waiting. It's from the movie Fireproof (excellent movie!!):
I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord.
And I am hopeful I'm waiting on You, Lord.
Though it is painful but patiently, I will wait.
I will move ahead, bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting I will serve You.
While I'm waiting I will worship.
While I'm waiting I will not faint.
I'll be running the race even while I wait.

The reason that this last song is so touching is this: for two and a half years, I've been so focused on becoming a Mom that I've missed out on living my life. I've gone from obsessing to analyzing and everything in between. When something consumes your life to this extent, most other things are pushed to the side. The very thing that keeps me going is God's peace that everything will turn out just how he plans. I think that if I were to obsess over God as much as I have the journey to parenthood, then I'd be so much further along in my walk with God then I am. When I think of all the times that I've just been waiting for my life to start, I wonder how much of it I missed.

Of course there are days when it's painful, but really, isn't that just life? When I sit back and think about it, and remember that God's timing is perfect, I can continue running the race, even while I wait.