Object Lessons

Lesson # 1- God to Kelly- I am in control.

At the beginning of our road to find out why we weren't making babies, my GYN ordered bloodwork, SA, etc... all of which came back "normal". Moving on to the next step was a procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram- or HSG- a procedure where dye is injected into your cervix and watched on an X-ray to see if your tubes are blocked or open. This was the first seemingly serious test that I'd had done, and I. Was. Petrified. I called his office the day before and was given a RX for one Valium. I took it about 5 minutes before we walked into the hospital. I was so scared, but confident that, at any second, the Valium would do it's magical work and I'd be high as a kite. Too bad for me, that my doctor was running AHEAD of schedule, and he was able to start the procedure well before my appointment time, leaving no time for the drug to do it's job. Cut to the chase- this procedure, on a pain scale of 1 to 10, was a 9. I was crying, shaking, the whole bit. The catheter, once it was "in", was looped around itself in such a way that when my doc injected the dye, it just spilled back out, and by out, I mean OUT. Take two. Let's give this another go. Same story- another looped catheter. Doc says- "I can't do this again- it's too much for you." I say- "You must do this again, I can't leave here without an answer!" (Because, after all, the world operates on my schedule. Or at least, it should.) Doc- "No, we're going to schedule you for a Laparoscopy, and you'll be asleep for the procedure and it will show more anyway." Me- "BWAHH AHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAA". Not even being dramatic here. I guess at this point, the Valium was affecting me. Way to show up fashionably late, Valium! Well done!!

I know, it's a long story, and this wasn't even half of it. But skip to that night, when my darling Mom had come over to check on me after my day's adventures. She brought me a cute top and a pair of gouchos to cheer me up, and she said these words... "Maybe it's God's way of making sure that you don't waste any time... what if the results were fine and your doctor told you to keep trying because your tubes weren't blocked? Maybe they'll find something with the Laparoscopy that they couldn't with the HSG?" She is so wise. My Laparoscopy revealed Endometriosis- the reason my GYN believed that I wasn't getting pregnant. (Turns out that my RE doesn't think that's necessarily the reason, but forget that for now.) The moral of the story is- if I'd had that test done, and my tubes were open, (which, for those of you wondering about my tubes- they are wide open), then who knows how long we'd have waited to find out that I had endometriosis? My GYN blasted it away, along with some of my doubts about God's workings in my life.



Lesson #2- God to Kelly- You are not in control.

A couple of weeks ago, I came home after work with my delicious dinner from Chic Fil A- nuggets, fries, Dr. Pepper, and lots of buttermilk ranch dressing to drench everything in. (Thanks Amy for sharing that jewel of information. My thighs are so relieved to have more of a reason to jiggle.) I put my dinner on the table in our kitchen, and am chatting with another friend of ours who is waiting for Kirk to play softball. I hear an unfamiliar sound coming from the other side of the kitchen... look a little closer, and realize that we have a major leak happening in our kitchen from the ceiling- drywall is not so dry, you know what I'm saying? The floor is soaked, I'm freaking out, I mean, I don't know what else to do so my default reaction is to freak out. Cut off in traffic? Freak out. Coffee is lukewarm and not perfectly hot? Freak out. Wake up at 6:52 when my alarm is set for 7? Freak out. So I'll skip the boring stuff- we had to call a guy that our friends use to come out and look at the leak, he tells me all about the problem... (blah blah, my dinner is now cold as ice... freaking out!)... and he leaves. I've cleaned up the kitchen as best as I could, and have a bucket placed under the leak, which is now a drip every 30 seconds or so. Finally, I'm eating my Chick Fil A. That really has nothing to do with the story. I'm really distracted tonight. Can't seem to stay on topic... freaking out! FOCUS!! Okay, the plumber comes the next day and I leave the checkbook in the bowl on our counter so Kirk can pay the guy. Kirk calls me at work to tell me the damage, and I go about the rest of my day, relieved that it's being taken care of. A couple of days later, I asked Kirk where the checkbook was, he can't remember. He looks around for a few minutes, and decides to go to bed and look for it tomorrow. He gets out of bed 5 minutes later and tears apart our kitchen/ dining room/ basket on our steps/ office/ bedroom/ bathroom/ laundry room looking for this checkbook. It is clearly keeping him awake. He can't find it. Secretly, I get very angry at him, because, he lost our checkbook! I know it was a mistake, and that's why I'm keeping it a secret that I'm SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF! So, I do what any good wife would do... I decide to find it myself! I pray, and ask God to show me, because I know that He knows, and... nothing. My next move was to... brace yourself... freak out! whenever Kirk did anything even slightly wrong, because HE LOST OUR CHECKBOOK! He overpoured a glass of milk, FREAKING OUT SO FREAKING MAD FREAK OUT! Finally, at dinner last night, I confess that I'm harboring all of this anger toward him and ask him to forgive me, which he does, because he is the better person EVERY TIME. After dinner, I walk upstairs to watch a few videos on how to shoot myself full of the new medications that arrived on Friday. I'm saying to God, "You know, I was honest with Kirk and everything and yet still, we don't have the checkbook" when, for whatever reason, I look to my left, under the paper tray of our printer, and... it's the checkbook. God's timing is really something. Something Amazing. Something Perfect. Something that I'll never understand.



I am not a fan of the pastime of Learning Lessons. I like to know it all up front. However, I am so grateful that My Jesus knows exactly how to get through to me in a big way. I mean, a checkbook! A X-Ray! These are things that, as long as I live, I will remember with such gratitude for His grace and mercy every single second of every day of my life.



I would love to hear about any lessons that have made a life changing impact in your life or in the life of someone you know. Care to share?

The IVF Bomb

So, attempt #4 at IUI resulted in another negative pregnancy test. Not a surprise to me, but I'm trying to be positive here, so...

On to IVF! I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm. All. Over. The. Place.

Like normal, I guess.

Once I am comfortable with the protocol, I'll share it. For now, I'm still on step one... which is... drumroll.... Birth Control Pills! ERRRRR,,,,, wha? I'm sorry, Dr. O., I know you have a lot of patients to care for, (even though we're all there because of your specialty in getting girls preggy), but maybe you're not clear on what I'm doing here...

I have no idea why I'm on The Pill. I'm embarassed to call my sweet nurse Stephanie to ask her because I'm certain that Dr. O. explained it clearly to me the day that he dropped the bomb of information onto my lap like a freight train, but... I forget.

So, in an attempt to do it myself, (control freak), I went to the Library on my lunch break and picked up a couple of books to read. It was a classic covert op- and I LOVE a good covert op- my sister and I used to do covert ops all the time. My brother and I did a covert op once a long time ago to. They are the best. Better with backup than solo, but, I was desperate and it was kind of on a whim, so solo mission it was. Anyway I have about 8 books to read within the next 3 weeks. I'll let you know when I know. Edge of your seat, I get it.

I'm seriously wrestling with the work sitch. Do I tell my boss? Any of my co-workers? HR? I have no idea. I have been dragged into at least 27 conversations in the last week about IVF and the octomom, and Jon & Kate and how stupid it was for them to do IVF... (btw, ignorant co-workers, J&K had IUI, not IVF, and it's totally different.) Apparently, everyone that I work with knows more about infertility treatments than even Dr. O. and Stephanie! Maybe I should ask them what the deal with The Pill is... surely they know!

Decisions, decisions.

On a lighter note, I threw a Baby Shower at work for my very-pregnant buyer- she is a doll- having a girl, due 12/15 but there's no way she'll make it to that date. She invited a couple of us to the shower that her sister was throwing for her, (in her swanky downtown condo with her breathtaking view of downtown Baltimore), where I found out that another buyer is also pregnant and due in May! No kidding! It must be something in the water! Then everyone turns to me and says... "How long have you been married? Isn't it time for you two to get started??"

Hah. If only you knew. Maybe I should tell you.... maybe not.... I have no idea.

I love rainy days.

It's the end of October, one of my favorite months. I love the changing weather, wearing a light jacket in the morning but not needing it at lunchtime. Watching the clouds roll in but having the sun shine through for just a few more minutes before the sky opens up and pours rain over every surface of the earth. It doesn't miss any one spot. I always feel like everything is shiny and clean after the rain. Everything is fresh and all of the dirt is washed away.

Two weeks ago, my church had a Women's Retreat in Chantilly, Virginia. I went because the rest of my friends were going, and everyone said it would be a great time. The hotel is five-star, the bonding is exciting, the food is great... I never expected it to have such a profound impact on my life.

Angie Smith is a blogger- she writes "Bring the Rain". She was our speaker, and her story can be found here: www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com In a word, she is grateful. This sweet woman has encountered serious trials, and when I say serious, I mean, how-can-anyone-see-any-good-in-her-situation serious trials. I'll let you read her blog, because I have mascara on today and don't need to cry, and I'm only 1/10 of my way through it, but her premise is simple- she wants to bring glory to God in all that she does. And in all that happens to her. Every thing. She taught me that, it doesn't matter what your circumstances... My Jesus is the same as he was yesterday, a year ago, 2 1/2 years ago, and 100 years from now. My life is not about me... it's about bringing glory to Him. Angie Smith is so much more selfless than I- my plans are still so very important to me, but in the grand scheme of things, I know that God is in control, (not me), and that everything that happens to me, He is allowing because there is a greater purpose. I'm still trying to grasp the concept, but I think I'm on my way. Pray for me.

One of Angie's jewels was this- even if you aren't feeling grateful for your position in life at the very moment, you can still consciously decide to give thanks to God. My opinion of His greatness does not change the facts- he is the Almighty. Whether I'm on my knees giving thanks for all He's done for me or I'm crying to Him for not giving me a positive pregnancy test, He's the same. There's nothing that I can do that will change the simple fact that I am His child and He is my God. I cannot earn any more of His favor by serving the homeless lunch, nor can I lose His love by telling Him that my way is better than His.

It's amazing to think about. My brain is still trying to grasp these concepts. One of the ladies in our discussion group compared it this way- trying to understand God within the scope of our ability to comprehend is like trying to fill a glass with ocean water and telling someone who's never seen it all about it's grandeur.

I'm not there yet... but I want to be. And I'm going to be. God promises.

Thankful Thursdays

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, (and you'd better!), is to spend some time today thinking about things for which you are truly grateful. There are so many things in our lives that we are blessed with, I'm willing to bet that we may even surprise ourselves with things that we may take for granted that make our lives a little bit better.

Here's my list.

1. Flowers that bloom even when the weather starts to change from Summer to Fall.
2. Fireplace scented evening air.
3. Squirrels in my yard.
4. Sadie chasing squirrels in my yard.
5. Fuzzy socks.
6. Hot baths.
7. Hot apple cider & fresh baked gingersnaps.
8. Rainy days.
9. Sparkly pens.
10. Stickers.
11. Finding a good book at the Library.
12. Comfortable silence.
13. Hankies.
14. Good sales at the grocery store.
15. Unexpected company.

Tell me... what are you thankful for today?

4th Time's A Charm?

Have you ever been to a great amusement park with great rides and great food and mediocre entertainement? Have you ever gone on a roller coaster that has a really big incline? You know how it creeps up to the very tippy top of the rise and just before it takes you flying down it feels a little like it's stopped?

That's me right now.

IUI #4 was Friday. After just 1 shot of FSH, I was ready to trigger ovulation. I was a little bummed that it was on a Friday instead of a Saturday, so I didn't have to make up another reason why I wasn't going to arrive into work until 1:30, (everyone assumes it's either an interview, or I'm pregnant, super!), but a Friday IUI does have it's perks... like it was performed by Dr. O, who I heart, and very near to the center is something else that I heart very much.... CHIPOTLE! I love me some burrito bol with extra guacamole! Thinking about it during the less-than-comfortable procedure may have helped get me through. Another big perk, Kirk was with me this time! I mean, it seems fitting that he would be a part of the blessed event, and fortunately his fill-in was able to cover for him for a couple of hours. Heart!

So now that IUI #4 has been performed, we wait. For two weeks. For the blood test to see if it worked or not. I am hoping to stay extra busy for the next 12 days, to try to keep focused on things other than fertility, but it's tough. Ever since Dr. O dropped the IVF bomb I've been trying to think it through in my head... the unknown is always a little scary. Maybe I'll google it some more. That is always fun.

So, friends, any ideas on how I can pass the time?

Random Things #1

I don't have a Random Things #2 started yet, but I have always been one to plan ahead. So, here goes:

#1- I'm a big fan of abbreviations, or abbrevs. Mostly. One I will never ever ever use even if I think it in my head is D.I.N.K. Not only is this Kirk's aunt's name, but it stands for Dual Income No Kids. Someone recently referred to Kirk & I as DINKs and I nearly fainted. I mean, I could come up with some good abbrevs for parents whose kids are wild, like PWKAW, (clever, I know!), but you don't hear me going around calling people that! Maybe because I figure that you know your kids are wild. And clearly I know that we have two incomes and no kids. I don't need the reminder, thanks.

#2- I heart Dr. O. He is so very kind and explains everthing to me 27 times until the look of confusion is worn off of my face. He has a wonderful way about him, and I very much thank my GYN for recommending him. My brother was married to his darling love on July 25. Natch, since I was in the wedding, I needed to get my nails done, so a couple girlfriends and I went to get mani/pedis. Couple of weeks later, at my 2nd IUI, I was all in position, (you know), and Dr. O. looks at my bare feet on the stirrups and says, "Hey, your toenails match the stirrup covers!" I immediately make some joke about how they were the inspiration of my color choice at the nail salon, which I think he thought I was serious, and then I wondered if he got my humor or not... Anyway, I just love that he has such a great bedside manner. It's a nice change of pace.

#3- Another thing I heart (prepare yourself for this shock) is BABIES!!! I love them when they are so small that they need nothing more than to be held in a rocking chair and maybe fed a bottle or something like that. Kirk & I attend the most wonderful church in the world and I am on the baby holding team. No joke. Once a week, I hold babies with my pal. The church is so big that, instead of a bunch of kids running around in one room all together, we have different rooms for each age group, and I get to work in the room with the bittiest of the bitty... The Caterpillar room! Everthing about my church, I love, but I especially love that I am holding babies for Jesus! I mean, it's a match made in Heaven!!

#4- One of the things that came out of today's follow up with Dr. O. was that I could stand to lose a few pounds. He's not advocating some crash diet, and he says that my weight is fine, but it wouldn't hurt anything if I got a little healthier. I figured since we're talking IVF and it's pretty expensive and invasive, I want to optimize my chances in any way possible. Thus, I am going to start doing Yoga and I'm considering accupuncture, in addition to having a healthier diet. This means no more Puffy's Therapy. Or at least, less often.

That's all folks.

Do me a favor...

I watch a lot of TV. Mostly because my brain doesn't have to think about anything important, I can literally space out and be entertained by low level things. One of my newest guilty pleasures is Police Women of Broward County, it comes on TLC Thursday nights at 9. Let me just tell you- I love this show big time. It makes me laugh, it makes me, well, laugh some more. The show follows 4 female cops in Broward County, Florida, as they execute traffic stops, serving warrents, interviewing suspects, you name it. My absolute favorite officer is Deputy Shelunda Cooper. She is so straight forward and direct, you never have to question where you stand with her. While conducting a search on another female suspect, as the suspect is screaming at her to get out of her face, Deputy Cooper leans in real close and says, "Do me a favor... shut your mouth." She doesn't get worked up, just matter of fact. I. Love. This. I wish I was more like her. In fact, I am going to work on being more like her because I heart her so. She demands respect and settles for nothing less than 100% compliance. Maybe I'll be a little bit more easy going, but only because I don't have the badge (or the brute stregnth) to force people into submission like she does. But I will say, it's important to say how you feel, and let others know what you expect of them.

So... back to reality for a hot sec. IUI #3 resulted in another BFN. Boo hoo. I was hoping for a BFP, well with it being the third time and all. I've come to terms with it, and I'm all good now. Kirk & I had a follow up visit with Dr. O this afternoon to discuss our options. After reviewing the past 3 IUI's, Dr. O is recommending that, if the next 1-3 treatments do not result in a pregnancy, then he would like to move into In Vetro Fertilization, or IVF. He explains it as IUI, just kicked up a couple of notches. Like Emeril, BAM! Not really.

Here's the quick version of the sitch: You take a bunch of meds to make your body produce lots and lots of follicles, then the doctors go in and take them all out, (egg retrieval), and meet them up with sperm in a lab. Egg + Sperm = Embryo. They watch them for a couple of days, and the one or two that are looking the best are put back into my uterus to burrow in and grow into a baby. Here's the best part... the success rates, while slightly less than 20% for an IUI with Superovulation, are a whopping 59%! Almost 3 fold! The downside? It's a lot more invasive, expensive, and scientific. It's not a guarantee, but the odds are more in our favor.

So after Dr. O finishes explaining all of this information to Kirk & I, I am spinning. I can barely form words to ask all of my questions, and thank God that Kirk was there to remember all of Dr. O's answers. I mean, it's really something. We're not sure exactly what to do, so in the meantime, we are starting round #4 IUI. It will take some time to get insurance to approve IVF, and we don't want to sit around and wait, so, what the heck. Why not. It's not as if IUI is ruled out as being successful after 3 failed attempts. I'm trying to stay positive. No Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer's here. No sir.