Here's the Thanksgiving list, a couple of days late:
4 BIG
1. My relationship with Jesus- can we say... a work in progress? Jesus teaches me every day that He is in control, and all I have to do is to bring glory to His name. Simple. Beautiful. Jesus.
2. Family- I love our family. Every person is so crazy in their own way and I love that.
-My brother married his dream girl in July, and I can't tell you how much I love her. She is an amazing addition to our family. She & my bro prepared the Thanksgiving turkey- deep fried. I'm thankful that I can now blame my weight gain on that dinner, rather than the fertility drugs! For now, anyway!
-My sister has been giving herself injections for psoriatic arthritis for years- weekly shots in her upper thigh. Without her encouraging words and clear strength, I couldn't have taken that first shot of Follistim months ago.
-My parents rock. My Dad & I go to breakfast several times a month, and even though he doesn't quite like to talk about my uterus, he listens and offers support through his hugs & his "I Love You"'s. My Mom is my best friend. There's never been a day where I have to explain why I'm crying or why I'm shouting. She just knows. I hope I'll be that kind of mom to my kids some day.
-Kirk's entire family- they are crazy!! Only a couple of them know about our sitch, but even those who don't are so funny and loud that I can forget about the shots, the pills, the procedures and the monitoring while I'm with them. Possibly because I can't hear myself think, but I appreciate the breaks from my reality, even if for just a couple of hours!
3. Friends- Kirk & I are surrounded by people who love us, right where we are. We're involved in an amazing community group through our church, and our best friendships have formed as a result of that. The women in the group know exactly where we are in our cycle, and they provide countless hours of gentle listening, support, and, of course, tears & smiles. I thank God every day for dropping us exactly where we are.
4. My job- ONLY because, if you don't experience something that you don't love, when you finally do find something that makes your heart beat faster you won't truly appreciate it. I am grateful that I have a job that affords us the ability to pay for treatment, and save for our future baby's needs and wants.
4 little
1. Our house is almost completely decorated for Christmas and I LOVE it!
2. Candles that are scented like the ocean. Actually, they smell nothing like the beaches I've ever been to, but they smell delicious and I quite enjoy them.
3. Chic-Fil-A breakfast sandwiches, with half Sweet Tea and half Lemonade.
4. Scented pillows.
There you have it. Daily, we should reflect on the things in our lives that make living a little sweeter. You don't have to look very far. They're all around.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Big Day.
So... It's been a while since my last blog. Lots has happened. Lots is about to happen. Real soon. So, let's cut to the chase.
IVF Injections = complete! I started out with the morning shots of Lupron, piece of cake. Had my Lupron Evaluation, follicles are present, so that's great! That evening I started my Follistim & Menopur shots. Two problems here:
1. Follistim comes in these little cartriges and you have to put them into a pen before injecting. (The Smarty Pants that I am, I declined the IVF Injection class, telling Nurse Stephanie that I had no problems with the other injections, I don't need your silly class! But thanks for the offer!)Kirk & I watched the video at least 4 times, making the same jokes each time about the "soap" that the demonstrator used to wash her hands and how it looked more like sunscreen than soap. Ha. Ha. I decided to do the Follistim injection first, because it seemed like the harder shot to do. Bottom line, it was easy peasy, lemon squeezy. A little tricky, only because it was different, but only about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 for pain. Yay! Onto the next!!
2. Menopur comes in powder format, and you have to mix it with diluent using this big giant needle. A little scary, but honestly, it's just mixing. Who cares? The needle that I used to inject it was much smaller, a 27 gauge, maybe 1/2 inch needle? Nothing too scary at all. I push the shot in, and then it hits me. The PAIN! Holy goodness, this thing burned like a fire in my belly. For several minutes, I was close to tears. But, as a nurse in the Rockville office told me, I can use a 30 gauge needle to lessen the pain a little bit. (30 gauge is smaller than 27 gauge, don't ask me why.) It still hurt, up until the last shot, but I discovered that holding my breath while I did the shot made it a bit easier.
I've been monitored 5 times this past week, and finally on Friday I had met the criteria to trigger ovulation and schedule Egg Retrieval. I had one follicle that was measuring at 20mm, one at 19, and two at 18, with a bunch more at 16. I had to work on Friday, in order to satisfy a silly requirement at my job, (BUT- the silver lining is that, since I worked on a company paid holiday, I get to use another holiday any time I want, so there!) Waiting all day for my instructions, I finally got the call from the nurse at 7:05pm Friday night. Do you believe this? I mean, I was in their office on Thanksgiving Day, and on Black Friday, someone was still making calls after 4:00 in the afternoon! This place rocks my world. So, Nurse Karen tells me that I'm scheduled for my Egg Retrieval on Sunday at 6:15pm, and that I'll need to take my trigger shot at 6:15am Saturday. Let me tell you about the final injection- the injection that Kirk had to give me in my toukas- specifically, the upper outer quadrant of my toukas. He had to come home from work to do this, bless his heart. He gave me the injection like a pro. It didn't hurt at all, a 2 in fact. Now, it kind of feels like it might be bruised a bit, but that's the nature of the injection, nothing to do with his mad skills as a shooter. Other instructions are pretty simple- nothing to eat after 11am, nothing to drink after 2pm, which is in 10 min... brb- I'm going to get a bev real quick... okay, I'm back, and hydrated! So, tonight, in simple terms, the doctors are going to go through my lady business with a ultrasound probe, and slide a teeny tiny needle next to it, and suck out my follicles through the walls of my ovaries. The more follicles, the better. This procedure is done under IV sedation, so I won't feel or remember a thing. It a word, I'm super stoked. Can't wait. Really really excited. I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses at Shady Grove, I just want to hug and kiss every single person that works there. After the procedure, they'll let me know how many eggs they retrieved, and then I'll receive daily calls to let me know how the fertilized eggs, or embryos, are developing. Then, either on Wednesday or Friday, they will put back the best of the best, and if there are any others that are in great condition, they will be frozen for future transfers. That's about it for what's going on in my life.
What's new with you?
IVF Injections = complete! I started out with the morning shots of Lupron, piece of cake. Had my Lupron Evaluation, follicles are present, so that's great! That evening I started my Follistim & Menopur shots. Two problems here:
1. Follistim comes in these little cartriges and you have to put them into a pen before injecting. (The Smarty Pants that I am, I declined the IVF Injection class, telling Nurse Stephanie that I had no problems with the other injections, I don't need your silly class! But thanks for the offer!)Kirk & I watched the video at least 4 times, making the same jokes each time about the "soap" that the demonstrator used to wash her hands and how it looked more like sunscreen than soap. Ha. Ha. I decided to do the Follistim injection first, because it seemed like the harder shot to do. Bottom line, it was easy peasy, lemon squeezy. A little tricky, only because it was different, but only about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 for pain. Yay! Onto the next!!
2. Menopur comes in powder format, and you have to mix it with diluent using this big giant needle. A little scary, but honestly, it's just mixing. Who cares? The needle that I used to inject it was much smaller, a 27 gauge, maybe 1/2 inch needle? Nothing too scary at all. I push the shot in, and then it hits me. The PAIN! Holy goodness, this thing burned like a fire in my belly. For several minutes, I was close to tears. But, as a nurse in the Rockville office told me, I can use a 30 gauge needle to lessen the pain a little bit. (30 gauge is smaller than 27 gauge, don't ask me why.) It still hurt, up until the last shot, but I discovered that holding my breath while I did the shot made it a bit easier.
I've been monitored 5 times this past week, and finally on Friday I had met the criteria to trigger ovulation and schedule Egg Retrieval. I had one follicle that was measuring at 20mm, one at 19, and two at 18, with a bunch more at 16. I had to work on Friday, in order to satisfy a silly requirement at my job, (BUT- the silver lining is that, since I worked on a company paid holiday, I get to use another holiday any time I want, so there!) Waiting all day for my instructions, I finally got the call from the nurse at 7:05pm Friday night. Do you believe this? I mean, I was in their office on Thanksgiving Day, and on Black Friday, someone was still making calls after 4:00 in the afternoon! This place rocks my world. So, Nurse Karen tells me that I'm scheduled for my Egg Retrieval on Sunday at 6:15pm, and that I'll need to take my trigger shot at 6:15am Saturday. Let me tell you about the final injection- the injection that Kirk had to give me in my toukas- specifically, the upper outer quadrant of my toukas. He had to come home from work to do this, bless his heart. He gave me the injection like a pro. It didn't hurt at all, a 2 in fact. Now, it kind of feels like it might be bruised a bit, but that's the nature of the injection, nothing to do with his mad skills as a shooter. Other instructions are pretty simple- nothing to eat after 11am, nothing to drink after 2pm, which is in 10 min... brb- I'm going to get a bev real quick... okay, I'm back, and hydrated! So, tonight, in simple terms, the doctors are going to go through my lady business with a ultrasound probe, and slide a teeny tiny needle next to it, and suck out my follicles through the walls of my ovaries. The more follicles, the better. This procedure is done under IV sedation, so I won't feel or remember a thing. It a word, I'm super stoked. Can't wait. Really really excited. I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses at Shady Grove, I just want to hug and kiss every single person that works there. After the procedure, they'll let me know how many eggs they retrieved, and then I'll receive daily calls to let me know how the fertilized eggs, or embryos, are developing. Then, either on Wednesday or Friday, they will put back the best of the best, and if there are any others that are in great condition, they will be frozen for future transfers. That's about it for what's going on in my life.
What's new with you?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Kit
When it was time to order my drugs, sweet Nurse Stephanie told me to expect a call from a particular pharmacy. A different pharmacy called me with my order, gave me a grand total (whoa- keep breathing here!! It's only money!!) and told me they'd process my order for a Wednesday delivery. The next day, after talking to Stephanie, she told me that the wrong pharmacy had been faxed my order, and that the correct pharmacy would call me anytime. A day or two later, they called, processed my order, gave me a less grand total saving me lots of moolah. (Thankful!) The kit came on a Friday, which is Community Group night, so I was only able to quickly scan it when we were on our way out the door. In a word? OVERWHELMED. There were bags of needles, syringes, alcohol wipes, medication in boxes, zip packs, bottles... It was like a shmorgasboard of dope. My theme for this IVF is to take thngs one step at a time...
Step 1- Birth Control Pills... check!
Step 2- Lupron... started that on Tuesday morning, will continue until Stephanie tells me to stop! It's a subcutaneous injection in the belly- not a problem at all... check!
Step 3- Lupron Evaluation next Thursday... what are we checking for? I have no idea.
Step 4- I have no idea.
I know that there are a lot of steps. That is the extent of my knowledge on this proces.
I told Kirk the other night that I was a little (or a lot) scared. Are we making the right choices? tops my list of concerns that keeps me awake at night. According to my Mom, (who knows best!), God wouldn't lead us down this path if this wasn't where he wanted us to be. I'm choosing to believe that. I am not sure that I believe it deep deep down in the dark part of my heart, but in my head, I am choosing to rest in Him. He knows what He's doing. He knows step 3, step 33, step 33333. I'm just going to follow His lead.
Step 1- Birth Control Pills... check!
Step 2- Lupron... started that on Tuesday morning, will continue until Stephanie tells me to stop! It's a subcutaneous injection in the belly- not a problem at all... check!
Step 3- Lupron Evaluation next Thursday... what are we checking for? I have no idea.
Step 4- I have no idea.
I know that there are a lot of steps. That is the extent of my knowledge on this proces.
I told Kirk the other night that I was a little (or a lot) scared. Are we making the right choices? tops my list of concerns that keeps me awake at night. According to my Mom, (who knows best!), God wouldn't lead us down this path if this wasn't where he wanted us to be. I'm choosing to believe that. I am not sure that I believe it deep deep down in the dark part of my heart, but in my head, I am choosing to rest in Him. He knows what He's doing. He knows step 3, step 33, step 33333. I'm just going to follow His lead.
Thankful Thursdays- part 2
This week has been tough. Long. Busy. Stressful. But, in the midst of it, there are always silver linings:
1. It's Thursday- the best night of the week for good TV- Survivor, The Office, Project Runway... it's all great.
2. I was sick earlier in the week and am now feeling 98% better! (Kirk is now sick, but hey, he'll be thankful next week that he's feeling 98% better!)
3. The weather has cooled down, and I just know that one day soon we'll start our first fireplace fire & relax and enjoy the warmth.
4. It's almost time to start decorating for Christmas! My co-workers are already sick of me singing Christmas Carols all afternoon long! Just trying to pass the time, people. It could be worse. Much worse. (Last week, I attempted to "rap" instead of sing- Me + Flow Rider = DISASTA!)
5. Grilled Cheese sandwiches always remind me of my childhood. Since I work in the town in which my parents still live, I often call my Mom to see if I can come over for lunch- she makes delicious lunches- occasionally Grilled Cheese sandwiches. I go for the company, the food is an added bonus.
Your turn!
1. It's Thursday- the best night of the week for good TV- Survivor, The Office, Project Runway... it's all great.
2. I was sick earlier in the week and am now feeling 98% better! (Kirk is now sick, but hey, he'll be thankful next week that he's feeling 98% better!)
3. The weather has cooled down, and I just know that one day soon we'll start our first fireplace fire & relax and enjoy the warmth.
4. It's almost time to start decorating for Christmas! My co-workers are already sick of me singing Christmas Carols all afternoon long! Just trying to pass the time, people. It could be worse. Much worse. (Last week, I attempted to "rap" instead of sing- Me + Flow Rider = DISASTA!)
5. Grilled Cheese sandwiches always remind me of my childhood. Since I work in the town in which my parents still live, I often call my Mom to see if I can come over for lunch- she makes delicious lunches- occasionally Grilled Cheese sandwiches. I go for the company, the food is an added bonus.
Your turn!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Object Lessons
Lesson # 1- God to Kelly- I am in control.
At the beginning of our road to find out why we weren't making babies, my GYN ordered bloodwork, SA, etc... all of which came back "normal". Moving on to the next step was a procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram- or HSG- a procedure where dye is injected into your cervix and watched on an X-ray to see if your tubes are blocked or open. This was the first seemingly serious test that I'd had done, and I. Was. Petrified. I called his office the day before and was given a RX for one Valium. I took it about 5 minutes before we walked into the hospital. I was so scared, but confident that, at any second, the Valium would do it's magical work and I'd be high as a kite. Too bad for me, that my doctor was running AHEAD of schedule, and he was able to start the procedure well before my appointment time, leaving no time for the drug to do it's job. Cut to the chase- this procedure, on a pain scale of 1 to 10, was a 9. I was crying, shaking, the whole bit. The catheter, once it was "in", was looped around itself in such a way that when my doc injected the dye, it just spilled back out, and by out, I mean OUT. Take two. Let's give this another go. Same story- another looped catheter. Doc says- "I can't do this again- it's too much for you." I say- "You must do this again, I can't leave here without an answer!" (Because, after all, the world operates on my schedule. Or at least, it should.) Doc- "No, we're going to schedule you for a Laparoscopy, and you'll be asleep for the procedure and it will show more anyway." Me- "BWAHH AHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAA". Not even being dramatic here. I guess at this point, the Valium was affecting me. Way to show up fashionably late, Valium! Well done!!
I know, it's a long story, and this wasn't even half of it. But skip to that night, when my darling Mom had come over to check on me after my day's adventures. She brought me a cute top and a pair of gouchos to cheer me up, and she said these words... "Maybe it's God's way of making sure that you don't waste any time... what if the results were fine and your doctor told you to keep trying because your tubes weren't blocked? Maybe they'll find something with the Laparoscopy that they couldn't with the HSG?" She is so wise. My Laparoscopy revealed Endometriosis- the reason my GYN believed that I wasn't getting pregnant. (Turns out that my RE doesn't think that's necessarily the reason, but forget that for now.) The moral of the story is- if I'd had that test done, and my tubes were open, (which, for those of you wondering about my tubes- they are wide open), then who knows how long we'd have waited to find out that I had endometriosis? My GYN blasted it away, along with some of my doubts about God's workings in my life.
Lesson #2- God to Kelly- You are not in control.
A couple of weeks ago, I came home after work with my delicious dinner from Chic Fil A- nuggets, fries, Dr. Pepper, and lots of buttermilk ranch dressing to drench everything in. (Thanks Amy for sharing that jewel of information. My thighs are so relieved to have more of a reason to jiggle.) I put my dinner on the table in our kitchen, and am chatting with another friend of ours who is waiting for Kirk to play softball. I hear an unfamiliar sound coming from the other side of the kitchen... look a little closer, and realize that we have a major leak happening in our kitchen from the ceiling- drywall is not so dry, you know what I'm saying? The floor is soaked, I'm freaking out, I mean, I don't know what else to do so my default reaction is to freak out. Cut off in traffic? Freak out. Coffee is lukewarm and not perfectly hot? Freak out. Wake up at 6:52 when my alarm is set for 7? Freak out. So I'll skip the boring stuff- we had to call a guy that our friends use to come out and look at the leak, he tells me all about the problem... (blah blah, my dinner is now cold as ice... freaking out!)... and he leaves. I've cleaned up the kitchen as best as I could, and have a bucket placed under the leak, which is now a drip every 30 seconds or so. Finally, I'm eating my Chick Fil A. That really has nothing to do with the story. I'm really distracted tonight. Can't seem to stay on topic... freaking out! FOCUS!! Okay, the plumber comes the next day and I leave the checkbook in the bowl on our counter so Kirk can pay the guy. Kirk calls me at work to tell me the damage, and I go about the rest of my day, relieved that it's being taken care of. A couple of days later, I asked Kirk where the checkbook was, he can't remember. He looks around for a few minutes, and decides to go to bed and look for it tomorrow. He gets out of bed 5 minutes later and tears apart our kitchen/ dining room/ basket on our steps/ office/ bedroom/ bathroom/ laundry room looking for this checkbook. It is clearly keeping him awake. He can't find it. Secretly, I get very angry at him, because, he lost our checkbook! I know it was a mistake, and that's why I'm keeping it a secret that I'm SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF! So, I do what any good wife would do... I decide to find it myself! I pray, and ask God to show me, because I know that He knows, and... nothing. My next move was to... brace yourself... freak out! whenever Kirk did anything even slightly wrong, because HE LOST OUR CHECKBOOK! He overpoured a glass of milk, FREAKING OUT SO FREAKING MAD FREAK OUT! Finally, at dinner last night, I confess that I'm harboring all of this anger toward him and ask him to forgive me, which he does, because he is the better person EVERY TIME. After dinner, I walk upstairs to watch a few videos on how to shoot myself full of the new medications that arrived on Friday. I'm saying to God, "You know, I was honest with Kirk and everything and yet still, we don't have the checkbook" when, for whatever reason, I look to my left, under the paper tray of our printer, and... it's the checkbook. God's timing is really something. Something Amazing. Something Perfect. Something that I'll never understand.
I am not a fan of the pastime of Learning Lessons. I like to know it all up front. However, I am so grateful that My Jesus knows exactly how to get through to me in a big way. I mean, a checkbook! A X-Ray! These are things that, as long as I live, I will remember with such gratitude for His grace and mercy every single second of every day of my life.
I would love to hear about any lessons that have made a life changing impact in your life or in the life of someone you know. Care to share?
At the beginning of our road to find out why we weren't making babies, my GYN ordered bloodwork, SA, etc... all of which came back "normal". Moving on to the next step was a procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram- or HSG- a procedure where dye is injected into your cervix and watched on an X-ray to see if your tubes are blocked or open. This was the first seemingly serious test that I'd had done, and I. Was. Petrified. I called his office the day before and was given a RX for one Valium. I took it about 5 minutes before we walked into the hospital. I was so scared, but confident that, at any second, the Valium would do it's magical work and I'd be high as a kite. Too bad for me, that my doctor was running AHEAD of schedule, and he was able to start the procedure well before my appointment time, leaving no time for the drug to do it's job. Cut to the chase- this procedure, on a pain scale of 1 to 10, was a 9. I was crying, shaking, the whole bit. The catheter, once it was "in", was looped around itself in such a way that when my doc injected the dye, it just spilled back out, and by out, I mean OUT. Take two. Let's give this another go. Same story- another looped catheter. Doc says- "I can't do this again- it's too much for you." I say- "You must do this again, I can't leave here without an answer!" (Because, after all, the world operates on my schedule. Or at least, it should.) Doc- "No, we're going to schedule you for a Laparoscopy, and you'll be asleep for the procedure and it will show more anyway." Me- "BWAHH AHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAA". Not even being dramatic here. I guess at this point, the Valium was affecting me. Way to show up fashionably late, Valium! Well done!!
I know, it's a long story, and this wasn't even half of it. But skip to that night, when my darling Mom had come over to check on me after my day's adventures. She brought me a cute top and a pair of gouchos to cheer me up, and she said these words... "Maybe it's God's way of making sure that you don't waste any time... what if the results were fine and your doctor told you to keep trying because your tubes weren't blocked? Maybe they'll find something with the Laparoscopy that they couldn't with the HSG?" She is so wise. My Laparoscopy revealed Endometriosis- the reason my GYN believed that I wasn't getting pregnant. (Turns out that my RE doesn't think that's necessarily the reason, but forget that for now.) The moral of the story is- if I'd had that test done, and my tubes were open, (which, for those of you wondering about my tubes- they are wide open), then who knows how long we'd have waited to find out that I had endometriosis? My GYN blasted it away, along with some of my doubts about God's workings in my life.
Lesson #2- God to Kelly- You are not in control.
A couple of weeks ago, I came home after work with my delicious dinner from Chic Fil A- nuggets, fries, Dr. Pepper, and lots of buttermilk ranch dressing to drench everything in. (Thanks Amy for sharing that jewel of information. My thighs are so relieved to have more of a reason to jiggle.) I put my dinner on the table in our kitchen, and am chatting with another friend of ours who is waiting for Kirk to play softball. I hear an unfamiliar sound coming from the other side of the kitchen... look a little closer, and realize that we have a major leak happening in our kitchen from the ceiling- drywall is not so dry, you know what I'm saying? The floor is soaked, I'm freaking out, I mean, I don't know what else to do so my default reaction is to freak out. Cut off in traffic? Freak out. Coffee is lukewarm and not perfectly hot? Freak out. Wake up at 6:52 when my alarm is set for 7? Freak out. So I'll skip the boring stuff- we had to call a guy that our friends use to come out and look at the leak, he tells me all about the problem... (blah blah, my dinner is now cold as ice... freaking out!)... and he leaves. I've cleaned up the kitchen as best as I could, and have a bucket placed under the leak, which is now a drip every 30 seconds or so. Finally, I'm eating my Chick Fil A. That really has nothing to do with the story. I'm really distracted tonight. Can't seem to stay on topic... freaking out! FOCUS!! Okay, the plumber comes the next day and I leave the checkbook in the bowl on our counter so Kirk can pay the guy. Kirk calls me at work to tell me the damage, and I go about the rest of my day, relieved that it's being taken care of. A couple of days later, I asked Kirk where the checkbook was, he can't remember. He looks around for a few minutes, and decides to go to bed and look for it tomorrow. He gets out of bed 5 minutes later and tears apart our kitchen/ dining room/ basket on our steps/ office/ bedroom/ bathroom/ laundry room looking for this checkbook. It is clearly keeping him awake. He can't find it. Secretly, I get very angry at him, because, he lost our checkbook! I know it was a mistake, and that's why I'm keeping it a secret that I'm SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF! So, I do what any good wife would do... I decide to find it myself! I pray, and ask God to show me, because I know that He knows, and... nothing. My next move was to... brace yourself... freak out! whenever Kirk did anything even slightly wrong, because HE LOST OUR CHECKBOOK! He overpoured a glass of milk, FREAKING OUT SO FREAKING MAD FREAK OUT! Finally, at dinner last night, I confess that I'm harboring all of this anger toward him and ask him to forgive me, which he does, because he is the better person EVERY TIME. After dinner, I walk upstairs to watch a few videos on how to shoot myself full of the new medications that arrived on Friday. I'm saying to God, "You know, I was honest with Kirk and everything and yet still, we don't have the checkbook" when, for whatever reason, I look to my left, under the paper tray of our printer, and... it's the checkbook. God's timing is really something. Something Amazing. Something Perfect. Something that I'll never understand.
I am not a fan of the pastime of Learning Lessons. I like to know it all up front. However, I am so grateful that My Jesus knows exactly how to get through to me in a big way. I mean, a checkbook! A X-Ray! These are things that, as long as I live, I will remember with such gratitude for His grace and mercy every single second of every day of my life.
I would love to hear about any lessons that have made a life changing impact in your life or in the life of someone you know. Care to share?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The IVF Bomb
So, attempt #4 at IUI resulted in another negative pregnancy test. Not a surprise to me, but I'm trying to be positive here, so...
On to IVF! I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm. All. Over. The. Place.
Like normal, I guess.
Once I am comfortable with the protocol, I'll share it. For now, I'm still on step one... which is... drumroll.... Birth Control Pills! ERRRRR,,,,, wha? I'm sorry, Dr. O., I know you have a lot of patients to care for, (even though we're all there because of your specialty in getting girls preggy), but maybe you're not clear on what I'm doing here...
I have no idea why I'm on The Pill. I'm embarassed to call my sweet nurse Stephanie to ask her because I'm certain that Dr. O. explained it clearly to me the day that he dropped the bomb of information onto my lap like a freight train, but... I forget.
So, in an attempt to do it myself, (control freak), I went to the Library on my lunch break and picked up a couple of books to read. It was a classic covert op- and I LOVE a good covert op- my sister and I used to do covert ops all the time. My brother and I did a covert op once a long time ago to. They are the best. Better with backup than solo, but, I was desperate and it was kind of on a whim, so solo mission it was. Anyway I have about 8 books to read within the next 3 weeks. I'll let you know when I know. Edge of your seat, I get it.
I'm seriously wrestling with the work sitch. Do I tell my boss? Any of my co-workers? HR? I have no idea. I have been dragged into at least 27 conversations in the last week about IVF and the octomom, and Jon & Kate and how stupid it was for them to do IVF... (btw, ignorant co-workers, J&K had IUI, not IVF, and it's totally different.) Apparently, everyone that I work with knows more about infertility treatments than even Dr. O. and Stephanie! Maybe I should ask them what the deal with The Pill is... surely they know!
Decisions, decisions.
On a lighter note, I threw a Baby Shower at work for my very-pregnant buyer- she is a doll- having a girl, due 12/15 but there's no way she'll make it to that date. She invited a couple of us to the shower that her sister was throwing for her, (in her swanky downtown condo with her breathtaking view of downtown Baltimore), where I found out that another buyer is also pregnant and due in May! No kidding! It must be something in the water! Then everyone turns to me and says... "How long have you been married? Isn't it time for you two to get started??"
Hah. If only you knew. Maybe I should tell you.... maybe not.... I have no idea.
On to IVF! I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm. All. Over. The. Place.
Like normal, I guess.
Once I am comfortable with the protocol, I'll share it. For now, I'm still on step one... which is... drumroll.... Birth Control Pills! ERRRRR,,,,, wha? I'm sorry, Dr. O., I know you have a lot of patients to care for, (even though we're all there because of your specialty in getting girls preggy), but maybe you're not clear on what I'm doing here...
I have no idea why I'm on The Pill. I'm embarassed to call my sweet nurse Stephanie to ask her because I'm certain that Dr. O. explained it clearly to me the day that he dropped the bomb of information onto my lap like a freight train, but... I forget.
So, in an attempt to do it myself, (control freak), I went to the Library on my lunch break and picked up a couple of books to read. It was a classic covert op- and I LOVE a good covert op- my sister and I used to do covert ops all the time. My brother and I did a covert op once a long time ago to. They are the best. Better with backup than solo, but, I was desperate and it was kind of on a whim, so solo mission it was. Anyway I have about 8 books to read within the next 3 weeks. I'll let you know when I know. Edge of your seat, I get it.
I'm seriously wrestling with the work sitch. Do I tell my boss? Any of my co-workers? HR? I have no idea. I have been dragged into at least 27 conversations in the last week about IVF and the octomom, and Jon & Kate and how stupid it was for them to do IVF... (btw, ignorant co-workers, J&K had IUI, not IVF, and it's totally different.) Apparently, everyone that I work with knows more about infertility treatments than even Dr. O. and Stephanie! Maybe I should ask them what the deal with The Pill is... surely they know!
Decisions, decisions.
On a lighter note, I threw a Baby Shower at work for my very-pregnant buyer- she is a doll- having a girl, due 12/15 but there's no way she'll make it to that date. She invited a couple of us to the shower that her sister was throwing for her, (in her swanky downtown condo with her breathtaking view of downtown Baltimore), where I found out that another buyer is also pregnant and due in May! No kidding! It must be something in the water! Then everyone turns to me and says... "How long have you been married? Isn't it time for you two to get started??"
Hah. If only you knew. Maybe I should tell you.... maybe not.... I have no idea.
I love rainy days.
It's the end of October, one of my favorite months. I love the changing weather, wearing a light jacket in the morning but not needing it at lunchtime. Watching the clouds roll in but having the sun shine through for just a few more minutes before the sky opens up and pours rain over every surface of the earth. It doesn't miss any one spot. I always feel like everything is shiny and clean after the rain. Everything is fresh and all of the dirt is washed away.
Two weeks ago, my church had a Women's Retreat in Chantilly, Virginia. I went because the rest of my friends were going, and everyone said it would be a great time. The hotel is five-star, the bonding is exciting, the food is great... I never expected it to have such a profound impact on my life.
Angie Smith is a blogger- she writes "Bring the Rain". She was our speaker, and her story can be found here: www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com In a word, she is grateful. This sweet woman has encountered serious trials, and when I say serious, I mean, how-can-anyone-see-any-good-in-her-situation serious trials. I'll let you read her blog, because I have mascara on today and don't need to cry, and I'm only 1/10 of my way through it, but her premise is simple- she wants to bring glory to God in all that she does. And in all that happens to her. Every thing. She taught me that, it doesn't matter what your circumstances... My Jesus is the same as he was yesterday, a year ago, 2 1/2 years ago, and 100 years from now. My life is not about me... it's about bringing glory to Him. Angie Smith is so much more selfless than I- my plans are still so very important to me, but in the grand scheme of things, I know that God is in control, (not me), and that everything that happens to me, He is allowing because there is a greater purpose. I'm still trying to grasp the concept, but I think I'm on my way. Pray for me.
One of Angie's jewels was this- even if you aren't feeling grateful for your position in life at the very moment, you can still consciously decide to give thanks to God. My opinion of His greatness does not change the facts- he is the Almighty. Whether I'm on my knees giving thanks for all He's done for me or I'm crying to Him for not giving me a positive pregnancy test, He's the same. There's nothing that I can do that will change the simple fact that I am His child and He is my God. I cannot earn any more of His favor by serving the homeless lunch, nor can I lose His love by telling Him that my way is better than His.
It's amazing to think about. My brain is still trying to grasp these concepts. One of the ladies in our discussion group compared it this way- trying to understand God within the scope of our ability to comprehend is like trying to fill a glass with ocean water and telling someone who's never seen it all about it's grandeur.
I'm not there yet... but I want to be. And I'm going to be. God promises.
Two weeks ago, my church had a Women's Retreat in Chantilly, Virginia. I went because the rest of my friends were going, and everyone said it would be a great time. The hotel is five-star, the bonding is exciting, the food is great... I never expected it to have such a profound impact on my life.
Angie Smith is a blogger- she writes "Bring the Rain". She was our speaker, and her story can be found here: www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com In a word, she is grateful. This sweet woman has encountered serious trials, and when I say serious, I mean, how-can-anyone-see-any-good-in-her-situation serious trials. I'll let you read her blog, because I have mascara on today and don't need to cry, and I'm only 1/10 of my way through it, but her premise is simple- she wants to bring glory to God in all that she does. And in all that happens to her. Every thing. She taught me that, it doesn't matter what your circumstances... My Jesus is the same as he was yesterday, a year ago, 2 1/2 years ago, and 100 years from now. My life is not about me... it's about bringing glory to Him. Angie Smith is so much more selfless than I- my plans are still so very important to me, but in the grand scheme of things, I know that God is in control, (not me), and that everything that happens to me, He is allowing because there is a greater purpose. I'm still trying to grasp the concept, but I think I'm on my way. Pray for me.
One of Angie's jewels was this- even if you aren't feeling grateful for your position in life at the very moment, you can still consciously decide to give thanks to God. My opinion of His greatness does not change the facts- he is the Almighty. Whether I'm on my knees giving thanks for all He's done for me or I'm crying to Him for not giving me a positive pregnancy test, He's the same. There's nothing that I can do that will change the simple fact that I am His child and He is my God. I cannot earn any more of His favor by serving the homeless lunch, nor can I lose His love by telling Him that my way is better than His.
It's amazing to think about. My brain is still trying to grasp these concepts. One of the ladies in our discussion group compared it this way- trying to understand God within the scope of our ability to comprehend is like trying to fill a glass with ocean water and telling someone who's never seen it all about it's grandeur.
I'm not there yet... but I want to be. And I'm going to be. God promises.
Thankful Thursdays
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, (and you'd better!), is to spend some time today thinking about things for which you are truly grateful. There are so many things in our lives that we are blessed with, I'm willing to bet that we may even surprise ourselves with things that we may take for granted that make our lives a little bit better.
Here's my list.
1. Flowers that bloom even when the weather starts to change from Summer to Fall.
2. Fireplace scented evening air.
3. Squirrels in my yard.
4. Sadie chasing squirrels in my yard.
5. Fuzzy socks.
6. Hot baths.
7. Hot apple cider & fresh baked gingersnaps.
8. Rainy days.
9. Sparkly pens.
10. Stickers.
11. Finding a good book at the Library.
12. Comfortable silence.
13. Hankies.
14. Good sales at the grocery store.
15. Unexpected company.
Tell me... what are you thankful for today?
Here's my list.
1. Flowers that bloom even when the weather starts to change from Summer to Fall.
2. Fireplace scented evening air.
3. Squirrels in my yard.
4. Sadie chasing squirrels in my yard.
5. Fuzzy socks.
6. Hot baths.
7. Hot apple cider & fresh baked gingersnaps.
8. Rainy days.
9. Sparkly pens.
10. Stickers.
11. Finding a good book at the Library.
12. Comfortable silence.
13. Hankies.
14. Good sales at the grocery store.
15. Unexpected company.
Tell me... what are you thankful for today?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
4th Time's A Charm?
Have you ever been to a great amusement park with great rides and great food and mediocre entertainement? Have you ever gone on a roller coaster that has a really big incline? You know how it creeps up to the very tippy top of the rise and just before it takes you flying down it feels a little like it's stopped?
That's me right now.
IUI #4 was Friday. After just 1 shot of FSH, I was ready to trigger ovulation. I was a little bummed that it was on a Friday instead of a Saturday, so I didn't have to make up another reason why I wasn't going to arrive into work until 1:30, (everyone assumes it's either an interview, or I'm pregnant, super!), but a Friday IUI does have it's perks... like it was performed by Dr. O, who I heart, and very near to the center is something else that I heart very much.... CHIPOTLE! I love me some burrito bol with extra guacamole! Thinking about it during the less-than-comfortable procedure may have helped get me through. Another big perk, Kirk was with me this time! I mean, it seems fitting that he would be a part of the blessed event, and fortunately his fill-in was able to cover for him for a couple of hours. Heart!
So now that IUI #4 has been performed, we wait. For two weeks. For the blood test to see if it worked or not. I am hoping to stay extra busy for the next 12 days, to try to keep focused on things other than fertility, but it's tough. Ever since Dr. O dropped the IVF bomb I've been trying to think it through in my head... the unknown is always a little scary. Maybe I'll google it some more. That is always fun.
So, friends, any ideas on how I can pass the time?
That's me right now.
IUI #4 was Friday. After just 1 shot of FSH, I was ready to trigger ovulation. I was a little bummed that it was on a Friday instead of a Saturday, so I didn't have to make up another reason why I wasn't going to arrive into work until 1:30, (everyone assumes it's either an interview, or I'm pregnant, super!), but a Friday IUI does have it's perks... like it was performed by Dr. O, who I heart, and very near to the center is something else that I heart very much.... CHIPOTLE! I love me some burrito bol with extra guacamole! Thinking about it during the less-than-comfortable procedure may have helped get me through. Another big perk, Kirk was with me this time! I mean, it seems fitting that he would be a part of the blessed event, and fortunately his fill-in was able to cover for him for a couple of hours. Heart!
So now that IUI #4 has been performed, we wait. For two weeks. For the blood test to see if it worked or not. I am hoping to stay extra busy for the next 12 days, to try to keep focused on things other than fertility, but it's tough. Ever since Dr. O dropped the IVF bomb I've been trying to think it through in my head... the unknown is always a little scary. Maybe I'll google it some more. That is always fun.
So, friends, any ideas on how I can pass the time?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Random Things #1
I don't have a Random Things #2 started yet, but I have always been one to plan ahead. So, here goes:
#1- I'm a big fan of abbreviations, or abbrevs. Mostly. One I will never ever ever use even if I think it in my head is D.I.N.K. Not only is this Kirk's aunt's name, but it stands for Dual Income No Kids. Someone recently referred to Kirk & I as DINKs and I nearly fainted. I mean, I could come up with some good abbrevs for parents whose kids are wild, like PWKAW, (clever, I know!), but you don't hear me going around calling people that! Maybe because I figure that you know your kids are wild. And clearly I know that we have two incomes and no kids. I don't need the reminder, thanks.
#2- I heart Dr. O. He is so very kind and explains everthing to me 27 times until the look of confusion is worn off of my face. He has a wonderful way about him, and I very much thank my GYN for recommending him. My brother was married to his darling love on July 25. Natch, since I was in the wedding, I needed to get my nails done, so a couple girlfriends and I went to get mani/pedis. Couple of weeks later, at my 2nd IUI, I was all in position, (you know), and Dr. O. looks at my bare feet on the stirrups and says, "Hey, your toenails match the stirrup covers!" I immediately make some joke about how they were the inspiration of my color choice at the nail salon, which I think he thought I was serious, and then I wondered if he got my humor or not... Anyway, I just love that he has such a great bedside manner. It's a nice change of pace.
#3- Another thing I heart (prepare yourself for this shock) is BABIES!!! I love them when they are so small that they need nothing more than to be held in a rocking chair and maybe fed a bottle or something like that. Kirk & I attend the most wonderful church in the world and I am on the baby holding team. No joke. Once a week, I hold babies with my pal. The church is so big that, instead of a bunch of kids running around in one room all together, we have different rooms for each age group, and I get to work in the room with the bittiest of the bitty... The Caterpillar room! Everthing about my church, I love, but I especially love that I am holding babies for Jesus! I mean, it's a match made in Heaven!!
#4- One of the things that came out of today's follow up with Dr. O. was that I could stand to lose a few pounds. He's not advocating some crash diet, and he says that my weight is fine, but it wouldn't hurt anything if I got a little healthier. I figured since we're talking IVF and it's pretty expensive and invasive, I want to optimize my chances in any way possible. Thus, I am going to start doing Yoga and I'm considering accupuncture, in addition to having a healthier diet. This means no more Puffy's Therapy. Or at least, less often.
That's all folks.
#1- I'm a big fan of abbreviations, or abbrevs. Mostly. One I will never ever ever use even if I think it in my head is D.I.N.K. Not only is this Kirk's aunt's name, but it stands for Dual Income No Kids. Someone recently referred to Kirk & I as DINKs and I nearly fainted. I mean, I could come up with some good abbrevs for parents whose kids are wild, like PWKAW, (clever, I know!), but you don't hear me going around calling people that! Maybe because I figure that you know your kids are wild. And clearly I know that we have two incomes and no kids. I don't need the reminder, thanks.
#2- I heart Dr. O. He is so very kind and explains everthing to me 27 times until the look of confusion is worn off of my face. He has a wonderful way about him, and I very much thank my GYN for recommending him. My brother was married to his darling love on July 25. Natch, since I was in the wedding, I needed to get my nails done, so a couple girlfriends and I went to get mani/pedis. Couple of weeks later, at my 2nd IUI, I was all in position, (you know), and Dr. O. looks at my bare feet on the stirrups and says, "Hey, your toenails match the stirrup covers!" I immediately make some joke about how they were the inspiration of my color choice at the nail salon, which I think he thought I was serious, and then I wondered if he got my humor or not... Anyway, I just love that he has such a great bedside manner. It's a nice change of pace.
#3- Another thing I heart (prepare yourself for this shock) is BABIES!!! I love them when they are so small that they need nothing more than to be held in a rocking chair and maybe fed a bottle or something like that. Kirk & I attend the most wonderful church in the world and I am on the baby holding team. No joke. Once a week, I hold babies with my pal. The church is so big that, instead of a bunch of kids running around in one room all together, we have different rooms for each age group, and I get to work in the room with the bittiest of the bitty... The Caterpillar room! Everthing about my church, I love, but I especially love that I am holding babies for Jesus! I mean, it's a match made in Heaven!!
#4- One of the things that came out of today's follow up with Dr. O. was that I could stand to lose a few pounds. He's not advocating some crash diet, and he says that my weight is fine, but it wouldn't hurt anything if I got a little healthier. I figured since we're talking IVF and it's pretty expensive and invasive, I want to optimize my chances in any way possible. Thus, I am going to start doing Yoga and I'm considering accupuncture, in addition to having a healthier diet. This means no more Puffy's Therapy. Or at least, less often.
That's all folks.
Do me a favor...
I watch a lot of TV. Mostly because my brain doesn't have to think about anything important, I can literally space out and be entertained by low level things. One of my newest guilty pleasures is Police Women of Broward County, it comes on TLC Thursday nights at 9. Let me just tell you- I love this show big time. It makes me laugh, it makes me, well, laugh some more. The show follows 4 female cops in Broward County, Florida, as they execute traffic stops, serving warrents, interviewing suspects, you name it. My absolute favorite officer is Deputy Shelunda Cooper. She is so straight forward and direct, you never have to question where you stand with her. While conducting a search on another female suspect, as the suspect is screaming at her to get out of her face, Deputy Cooper leans in real close and says, "Do me a favor... shut your mouth." She doesn't get worked up, just matter of fact. I. Love. This. I wish I was more like her. In fact, I am going to work on being more like her because I heart her so. She demands respect and settles for nothing less than 100% compliance. Maybe I'll be a little bit more easy going, but only because I don't have the badge (or the brute stregnth) to force people into submission like she does. But I will say, it's important to say how you feel, and let others know what you expect of them.
So... back to reality for a hot sec. IUI #3 resulted in another BFN. Boo hoo. I was hoping for a BFP, well with it being the third time and all. I've come to terms with it, and I'm all good now. Kirk & I had a follow up visit with Dr. O this afternoon to discuss our options. After reviewing the past 3 IUI's, Dr. O is recommending that, if the next 1-3 treatments do not result in a pregnancy, then he would like to move into In Vetro Fertilization, or IVF. He explains it as IUI, just kicked up a couple of notches. Like Emeril, BAM! Not really.
Here's the quick version of the sitch: You take a bunch of meds to make your body produce lots and lots of follicles, then the doctors go in and take them all out, (egg retrieval), and meet them up with sperm in a lab. Egg + Sperm = Embryo. They watch them for a couple of days, and the one or two that are looking the best are put back into my uterus to burrow in and grow into a baby. Here's the best part... the success rates, while slightly less than 20% for an IUI with Superovulation, are a whopping 59%! Almost 3 fold! The downside? It's a lot more invasive, expensive, and scientific. It's not a guarantee, but the odds are more in our favor.
So after Dr. O finishes explaining all of this information to Kirk & I, I am spinning. I can barely form words to ask all of my questions, and thank God that Kirk was there to remember all of Dr. O's answers. I mean, it's really something. We're not sure exactly what to do, so in the meantime, we are starting round #4 IUI. It will take some time to get insurance to approve IVF, and we don't want to sit around and wait, so, what the heck. Why not. It's not as if IUI is ruled out as being successful after 3 failed attempts. I'm trying to stay positive. No Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer's here. No sir.
So... back to reality for a hot sec. IUI #3 resulted in another BFN. Boo hoo. I was hoping for a BFP, well with it being the third time and all. I've come to terms with it, and I'm all good now. Kirk & I had a follow up visit with Dr. O this afternoon to discuss our options. After reviewing the past 3 IUI's, Dr. O is recommending that, if the next 1-3 treatments do not result in a pregnancy, then he would like to move into In Vetro Fertilization, or IVF. He explains it as IUI, just kicked up a couple of notches. Like Emeril, BAM! Not really.
Here's the quick version of the sitch: You take a bunch of meds to make your body produce lots and lots of follicles, then the doctors go in and take them all out, (egg retrieval), and meet them up with sperm in a lab. Egg + Sperm = Embryo. They watch them for a couple of days, and the one or two that are looking the best are put back into my uterus to burrow in and grow into a baby. Here's the best part... the success rates, while slightly less than 20% for an IUI with Superovulation, are a whopping 59%! Almost 3 fold! The downside? It's a lot more invasive, expensive, and scientific. It's not a guarantee, but the odds are more in our favor.
So after Dr. O finishes explaining all of this information to Kirk & I, I am spinning. I can barely form words to ask all of my questions, and thank God that Kirk was there to remember all of Dr. O's answers. I mean, it's really something. We're not sure exactly what to do, so in the meantime, we are starting round #4 IUI. It will take some time to get insurance to approve IVF, and we don't want to sit around and wait, so, what the heck. Why not. It's not as if IUI is ruled out as being successful after 3 failed attempts. I'm trying to stay positive. No Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer's here. No sir.
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Diaper Aisle
When I was in high school, I worked at the local grocery store. Coworkers included my older brother, Danny, and my older sister, Kristi.
I was a cashier, Danny was a stock boy, and Kristi was an all around helper of an employee. She filled in for the receiver, front desk, manager, whoever needed filling in for. Sometimes, she stocked the Health and Beauty aisle. If we were particularly slow, the office girl would send me to help her, which I loved!
So, HBA is makeup, soap, shaving cream, stuff like that. And... diapers. I don't know what it is, but I LOVE the smell of diapers (IN PACKAGES, as in UNUSED). I find it to be a distinct and specific scent, and whenever I'm in the grocery store, I always walk down this aisle and take in a deep breath.
I know, it's weird.
I don't care. There is something so nostaligic about this scent for me. I connect a lot of scents to memories, like my Aunt Re-Re's perfume, or the smell of banana popsicles that remind me of my Nana & Pop Pop's house. Maybe it's the innocence of that time in my life, when the biggest deal of my life was who I would dance with at the prom. Now, there's bigger fish to fry, but these memories are still so very fresh.
Here's something else weird to distract you. My sister and I both smell everything before we eat it. If you order a dish, or a drink, we both ask to smell it before we decide if we want to ask to taste it. I smell t-shirts that are brand new. I smell towels that are fresh out of the dryer. I smell everything I can. This morning, driving into work, I could smell another woman's perfume in the car in front of me. It's bizarre, and I'm proud of it.
And it runs in my family, at least with my sister, so if I'm weird, so is she.
I was a cashier, Danny was a stock boy, and Kristi was an all around helper of an employee. She filled in for the receiver, front desk, manager, whoever needed filling in for. Sometimes, she stocked the Health and Beauty aisle. If we were particularly slow, the office girl would send me to help her, which I loved!
So, HBA is makeup, soap, shaving cream, stuff like that. And... diapers. I don't know what it is, but I LOVE the smell of diapers (IN PACKAGES, as in UNUSED). I find it to be a distinct and specific scent, and whenever I'm in the grocery store, I always walk down this aisle and take in a deep breath.
I know, it's weird.
I don't care. There is something so nostaligic about this scent for me. I connect a lot of scents to memories, like my Aunt Re-Re's perfume, or the smell of banana popsicles that remind me of my Nana & Pop Pop's house. Maybe it's the innocence of that time in my life, when the biggest deal of my life was who I would dance with at the prom. Now, there's bigger fish to fry, but these memories are still so very fresh.
Here's something else weird to distract you. My sister and I both smell everything before we eat it. If you order a dish, or a drink, we both ask to smell it before we decide if we want to ask to taste it. I smell t-shirts that are brand new. I smell towels that are fresh out of the dryer. I smell everything I can. This morning, driving into work, I could smell another woman's perfume in the car in front of me. It's bizarre, and I'm proud of it.
And it runs in my family, at least with my sister, so if I'm weird, so is she.
Wake me up when it's over...
There are some points in the journey of being "infertile" that I really don't mind.
=> Although the fertility center is more than 50 minutes away, and my appointments are on the cusp of the morning rush hour, usually I miss the traffic. It's actually a pleasant drive too.
=> Everyone at the center is SO sweet. I've only had one negative experience so far, but I'm going to try to stay positive here. The girls at the front desk are always smiling, the girls who draw my blood are so gentle and encouraging, the sonographer (is that what they are called?) is so patient in explaining what each and every dot is on the screen while she's performing my ultrasounds, sweet Nurse Stephanie is so calming and understanding, and Dr. O is never in a hurry to explain his answer to my "last" question. Really great group of people there.
=> Taking all of the hormones tends to make me a bit, well, "itchy". I know what you're thinking... how is this a good thing? Partly it's good because I get a little more room to be a bit more aggressive. I don't apologize for things that aren't my fault. I don't try to make everyone's lives easier, I just tell it like it is. The other part of why this is good thing is because it shows me who really loves me for the me that's deep inside this mess of a person that I can be sometimes. There is a group of people who know exactly where I am in my cycle, and they give me the room to be dramatically depressed or completely discouraged. They pick me up, tell me to stay focused, and walk next to me until I'm strong enough to stand up myself. I love this group of people so very much.
=>There are perks to a BFN too... like, I can have a glass of wine, or eat sushi with my girlfriend. After my first BFN, I called my pal and asked if she'd meet me for some sushi, and she enthusiastically said "YES"! At the drop of a hat, no need to plan weeks ahead of time. Those are the best kind of friends. The ones who don't require scheduled bonding time.
While the things that are listed above do help to keep my head above water, every day is not a ray of sunshine in my house. I still have days when I sob over my quiet house, or look at Kirk and wish that he didn't have to deal with my mood swings. Some days I just wish that I could take a nap and wake up with a baby. I know the day will come, but the waiting is just so painful sometimes. To be honest, the only thing that gets me through is my faith in Jesus. He's got a plan that is better than mine, and bigger than my mind can comprehend. There's a couple of songs that really stick in my head when I'm losing my way... Casting Crowns- Praise you in this Storm- the chorus goes like this:
I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands.
You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, you hold in your hand.
You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.
Another special song is by Tenth Avenue North- By your side. It's a song that Jesus used so powerfully to me so many times. Really amazing lyrics:
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall.
In the dead of night, whenever you call.
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you.
The latest song that has touched my heart is by John Waller- While I'm Waiting. It's from the movie Fireproof (excellent movie!!):
I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord.
And I am hopeful I'm waiting on You, Lord.
Though it is painful but patiently, I will wait.
I will move ahead, bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting I will serve You.
While I'm waiting I will worship.
While I'm waiting I will not faint.
I'll be running the race even while I wait.
The reason that this last song is so touching is this: for two and a half years, I've been so focused on becoming a Mom that I've missed out on living my life. I've gone from obsessing to analyzing and everything in between. When something consumes your life to this extent, most other things are pushed to the side. The very thing that keeps me going is God's peace that everything will turn out just how he plans. I think that if I were to obsess over God as much as I have the journey to parenthood, then I'd be so much further along in my walk with God then I am. When I think of all the times that I've just been waiting for my life to start, I wonder how much of it I missed.
Of course there are days when it's painful, but really, isn't that just life? When I sit back and think about it, and remember that God's timing is perfect, I can continue running the race, even while I wait.
=> Although the fertility center is more than 50 minutes away, and my appointments are on the cusp of the morning rush hour, usually I miss the traffic. It's actually a pleasant drive too.
=> Everyone at the center is SO sweet. I've only had one negative experience so far, but I'm going to try to stay positive here. The girls at the front desk are always smiling, the girls who draw my blood are so gentle and encouraging, the sonographer (is that what they are called?) is so patient in explaining what each and every dot is on the screen while she's performing my ultrasounds, sweet Nurse Stephanie is so calming and understanding, and Dr. O is never in a hurry to explain his answer to my "last" question. Really great group of people there.
=> Taking all of the hormones tends to make me a bit, well, "itchy". I know what you're thinking... how is this a good thing? Partly it's good because I get a little more room to be a bit more aggressive. I don't apologize for things that aren't my fault. I don't try to make everyone's lives easier, I just tell it like it is. The other part of why this is good thing is because it shows me who really loves me for the me that's deep inside this mess of a person that I can be sometimes. There is a group of people who know exactly where I am in my cycle, and they give me the room to be dramatically depressed or completely discouraged. They pick me up, tell me to stay focused, and walk next to me until I'm strong enough to stand up myself. I love this group of people so very much.
=>There are perks to a BFN too... like, I can have a glass of wine, or eat sushi with my girlfriend. After my first BFN, I called my pal and asked if she'd meet me for some sushi, and she enthusiastically said "YES"! At the drop of a hat, no need to plan weeks ahead of time. Those are the best kind of friends. The ones who don't require scheduled bonding time.
While the things that are listed above do help to keep my head above water, every day is not a ray of sunshine in my house. I still have days when I sob over my quiet house, or look at Kirk and wish that he didn't have to deal with my mood swings. Some days I just wish that I could take a nap and wake up with a baby. I know the day will come, but the waiting is just so painful sometimes. To be honest, the only thing that gets me through is my faith in Jesus. He's got a plan that is better than mine, and bigger than my mind can comprehend. There's a couple of songs that really stick in my head when I'm losing my way... Casting Crowns- Praise you in this Storm- the chorus goes like this:
I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands.
You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, you hold in your hand.
You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.
Another special song is by Tenth Avenue North- By your side. It's a song that Jesus used so powerfully to me so many times. Really amazing lyrics:
I'll be by your side, wherever you fall.
In the dead of night, whenever you call.
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you.
The latest song that has touched my heart is by John Waller- While I'm Waiting. It's from the movie Fireproof (excellent movie!!):
I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord.
And I am hopeful I'm waiting on You, Lord.
Though it is painful but patiently, I will wait.
I will move ahead, bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting I will serve You.
While I'm waiting I will worship.
While I'm waiting I will not faint.
I'll be running the race even while I wait.
The reason that this last song is so touching is this: for two and a half years, I've been so focused on becoming a Mom that I've missed out on living my life. I've gone from obsessing to analyzing and everything in between. When something consumes your life to this extent, most other things are pushed to the side. The very thing that keeps me going is God's peace that everything will turn out just how he plans. I think that if I were to obsess over God as much as I have the journey to parenthood, then I'd be so much further along in my walk with God then I am. When I think of all the times that I've just been waiting for my life to start, I wonder how much of it I missed.
Of course there are days when it's painful, but really, isn't that just life? When I sit back and think about it, and remember that God's timing is perfect, I can continue running the race, even while I wait.
What (Not) to Expect
IUI #1 was a roller coaster of the unknown... we had no idea what to expect. The ride went like this:
Day 1- first day of my period.
Day 3- Bloodwork & Ultrasound. That's right. Ultrasound. On day 3. Wish I was kidding.
Day 3 afternoon- once BW & US come back with normal results, begin Clomid, for the next 5 nights.
Day 9- Shot of Follistim. Literally, a shot below the belt. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but a nerve-wracking day anyway having no idea how it would go.
Day 10- BW & US
Day 10 afternoon- Nurse Stephanie (sweetest nurse alive!) calls to say take another shot of Follistim. Take shot #2.
Day 11- BW & US
Day 11 afternoon- Nurse Stephanie says to "Trigger" tonight. This means I take a shot of Ovidrel, the medication that makes me ovulate 36 hours later. Super. Take shot of Ovidrel.
Day 12- a day off! woo hoo!
Day 13- IUI day! woo hoo! Also happens to be the fourth of July! So yay! Fireworks! IUI day requires a drop off of the "specimen" and then an hour and a half later we come back and the washed "specimen" is placed directly into my uterus via a cathetar. Not so bad. Like the shot, it was the anticipation of the unknown that was the worst part.
Day 14- 29- Begin suppositories of Prometrium. This. Is. Not. Fun. But I do it because I have my eye on the prize.
Day 29- BW- BFN (Big Fat Negative). Nurse Stephanie calls to see if I would like to have another treatment plan or if I need a month off. Are you kidding? No thanks, I've had plently of months at this, let's keep this party going!
Round 2 is almost identical to round 1, except I triggered on day 10 after only one shot of Follistim. IUI day was on a Tuesday, I had the day off of work already because I was supposed to go to Atlantic City with my sister and 2 of her pals. Well, I had to stay home to try and make a baby, so my sister understood! Good thing too, because the cramps were trrrible! Another BFN. Okay, third time's a charm! Round 3 is identical to round 1, 2 shots of Follistim, Ovidrel on day 11, IUI on day 13. This time, I had to go back into work, and it was painful. I was so crampy that I could barely stand up straight. Nurse Stephanie says this is a good thing, as it means that my body is ovulating, and so it only lasts for a few hours, (or in my case, SIX) (I like to over do things.)
Day 1- first day of my period.
Day 3- Bloodwork & Ultrasound. That's right. Ultrasound. On day 3. Wish I was kidding.
Day 3 afternoon- once BW & US come back with normal results, begin Clomid, for the next 5 nights.
Day 9- Shot of Follistim. Literally, a shot below the belt. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but a nerve-wracking day anyway having no idea how it would go.
Day 10- BW & US
Day 10 afternoon- Nurse Stephanie (sweetest nurse alive!) calls to say take another shot of Follistim. Take shot #2.
Day 11- BW & US
Day 11 afternoon- Nurse Stephanie says to "Trigger" tonight. This means I take a shot of Ovidrel, the medication that makes me ovulate 36 hours later. Super. Take shot of Ovidrel.
Day 12- a day off! woo hoo!
Day 13- IUI day! woo hoo! Also happens to be the fourth of July! So yay! Fireworks! IUI day requires a drop off of the "specimen" and then an hour and a half later we come back and the washed "specimen" is placed directly into my uterus via a cathetar. Not so bad. Like the shot, it was the anticipation of the unknown that was the worst part.
Day 14- 29- Begin suppositories of Prometrium. This. Is. Not. Fun. But I do it because I have my eye on the prize.
Day 29- BW- BFN (Big Fat Negative). Nurse Stephanie calls to see if I would like to have another treatment plan or if I need a month off. Are you kidding? No thanks, I've had plently of months at this, let's keep this party going!
Round 2 is almost identical to round 1, except I triggered on day 10 after only one shot of Follistim. IUI day was on a Tuesday, I had the day off of work already because I was supposed to go to Atlantic City with my sister and 2 of her pals. Well, I had to stay home to try and make a baby, so my sister understood! Good thing too, because the cramps were trrrible! Another BFN. Okay, third time's a charm! Round 3 is identical to round 1, 2 shots of Follistim, Ovidrel on day 11, IUI on day 13. This time, I had to go back into work, and it was painful. I was so crampy that I could barely stand up straight. Nurse Stephanie says this is a good thing, as it means that my body is ovulating, and so it only lasts for a few hours, (or in my case, SIX) (I like to over do things.)
Monday, September 7, 2009
The History
What to expect:
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Get married. Buy a house. Get a dog. Have babies.
Hah! Not so much...
What not to expect:
I met my darling Kirk when I was 17, we were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend. We instantly fell in love, and decided to get married a few years after we met. I was 21, and he was 23. Everyone told us we were too young, but we didn't care... we just wanted to be together and couldn't wait to start our lives together. We were married in 2002, bought a house in 2003, and of course brought home a dog from the pound a few months after we moved into our home.
We were never really in a rush to have kids, although if you'd asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always the same... A Mother:) I've always loved kids, and we were both really looking forward to becoming parents when we felt the time would be right.
Well, we thought the time was right in the Spring of 2007, when we decided to start trying to conceive. No stress for the first few months, after all it is normal for it to take up to a year for normal healthy couples. So... after a year, the stress started. I scheduled an appointment with my GYN, and he performed the basic bloodwork, SA, and then scheduled a follow up.
I hate follow ups. Anyway, he said everything was normal, so we scheduled a HSG- a procedure in which dye is injected into the uterus and watched to see if the fallopian tubes are open. I was super nervous the day before, so I called his office to see if there was anything they could do. They prescribed me a strong pain killer and told me to take it 15 minutes before my appointment. Kirk was driving, so I was quite looking forward to being doped up for the day. No. Such. Luck. I cannot put into words how excruciating this procedure was for me. To keep it brief, two different times the catheter looped around itself and my GYN could not preform the procedure. All of that, and still no answers. I was devestated. Kirk encouraged me as best as he could, but I was so angry. So frustrated. All of that pain, and nothing. My mom reminded me that everything happens for a reason and to keep on trusting in God's great wisdom. Easier said than done!
My doctor decided that he would perform a laparoscopy- I would be put under anesthesia, and via two small incisions in my belly, my doctor would check out my insides. While he was watching through a laparoscope, he injected the dye into my uterus and lo, and behold! my tubes were open! Both of them, no problems. But... he did see a bit of endometriosis- a condition in which the tissue that normally lines the uterus begins to grow in other places. He blasted it, and confidantly told Kirk that things were "as they should be" now. Another painful experience, but at least I had more pain medication to get me through until I began to heal.
At my follow up to the laparoscopy, my doctor told me to give it another 3 months, and if I still wasn't pregnant, he would refer me to a doctor that is more specialized in infertility. I was hesitant, but convinced myself that I'd be pregnant in 3 months so I spent very little time worrying over this particular detail.
So... three months came and went, still no pregnancy. Being the overachiever that I am, I had already scheduled an appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. O. Kirk and I attended an initial meeting with him, where he put us immediately at ease. He seemed very confidant that, no matter what the preliminary testing revealed, we would be able to conceive. We both made appointments for more bloodwork, and I had the added bonus of my first day 3 ultrasound, as well as a Saline Sonogram- Dr. O explained that the uterus is like a flat baloon and that he needed to put water into it to see if there were any abnormalities. Thankfully, none were detected. Bloodwork was normal. Kirk's SA was fine. At our follow up, Dr. O diagnosed us as "Unexplained Infertility".
Fine, what's next?! Let's get me pregnant already! Dr. O's treatment plan included Intra Uterine Insemination with Super Ovulation, or IUI for short. Basically, the take Kirk's "speciman", wash it off so only the best of the best is left, and then place it directly into my uterus via a cathetar. Ovulation is timed to coincide with the actual procedure to provide the best chances for conceiving. Our chances of success were about 20%, which is, ironically, a normal couple's chance of conceiving on any given month.
Fast forward to today- we've just had our 3rd IUI, and I am in the 2ww, or the two week wait. It's the two weeks between the procedure and the pregnancy test. Time goes backwards for me during this time, so I planned to chronicle the past 2 1/2 years during this time. I feel it to be a productive use of the extra 12 hours in each of my days. You know, since time is going backwards. I plan to explain in greater detail exactly what to expect- since no one talks about infertility out in the open. I have a very close group of people in my life that are going through this journey with me who probably know more about my cycle then any one person should. I am so blessed to have the support of each of them. I'm certain that I couldn't do this alone.
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Get married. Buy a house. Get a dog. Have babies.
Hah! Not so much...
What not to expect:
I met my darling Kirk when I was 17, we were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend. We instantly fell in love, and decided to get married a few years after we met. I was 21, and he was 23. Everyone told us we were too young, but we didn't care... we just wanted to be together and couldn't wait to start our lives together. We were married in 2002, bought a house in 2003, and of course brought home a dog from the pound a few months after we moved into our home.
We were never really in a rush to have kids, although if you'd asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always the same... A Mother:) I've always loved kids, and we were both really looking forward to becoming parents when we felt the time would be right.
Well, we thought the time was right in the Spring of 2007, when we decided to start trying to conceive. No stress for the first few months, after all it is normal for it to take up to a year for normal healthy couples. So... after a year, the stress started. I scheduled an appointment with my GYN, and he performed the basic bloodwork, SA, and then scheduled a follow up.
I hate follow ups. Anyway, he said everything was normal, so we scheduled a HSG- a procedure in which dye is injected into the uterus and watched to see if the fallopian tubes are open. I was super nervous the day before, so I called his office to see if there was anything they could do. They prescribed me a strong pain killer and told me to take it 15 minutes before my appointment. Kirk was driving, so I was quite looking forward to being doped up for the day. No. Such. Luck. I cannot put into words how excruciating this procedure was for me. To keep it brief, two different times the catheter looped around itself and my GYN could not preform the procedure. All of that, and still no answers. I was devestated. Kirk encouraged me as best as he could, but I was so angry. So frustrated. All of that pain, and nothing. My mom reminded me that everything happens for a reason and to keep on trusting in God's great wisdom. Easier said than done!
My doctor decided that he would perform a laparoscopy- I would be put under anesthesia, and via two small incisions in my belly, my doctor would check out my insides. While he was watching through a laparoscope, he injected the dye into my uterus and lo, and behold! my tubes were open! Both of them, no problems. But... he did see a bit of endometriosis- a condition in which the tissue that normally lines the uterus begins to grow in other places. He blasted it, and confidantly told Kirk that things were "as they should be" now. Another painful experience, but at least I had more pain medication to get me through until I began to heal.
At my follow up to the laparoscopy, my doctor told me to give it another 3 months, and if I still wasn't pregnant, he would refer me to a doctor that is more specialized in infertility. I was hesitant, but convinced myself that I'd be pregnant in 3 months so I spent very little time worrying over this particular detail.
So... three months came and went, still no pregnancy. Being the overachiever that I am, I had already scheduled an appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. O. Kirk and I attended an initial meeting with him, where he put us immediately at ease. He seemed very confidant that, no matter what the preliminary testing revealed, we would be able to conceive. We both made appointments for more bloodwork, and I had the added bonus of my first day 3 ultrasound, as well as a Saline Sonogram- Dr. O explained that the uterus is like a flat baloon and that he needed to put water into it to see if there were any abnormalities. Thankfully, none were detected. Bloodwork was normal. Kirk's SA was fine. At our follow up, Dr. O diagnosed us as "Unexplained Infertility".
Fine, what's next?! Let's get me pregnant already! Dr. O's treatment plan included Intra Uterine Insemination with Super Ovulation, or IUI for short. Basically, the take Kirk's "speciman", wash it off so only the best of the best is left, and then place it directly into my uterus via a cathetar. Ovulation is timed to coincide with the actual procedure to provide the best chances for conceiving. Our chances of success were about 20%, which is, ironically, a normal couple's chance of conceiving on any given month.
Fast forward to today- we've just had our 3rd IUI, and I am in the 2ww, or the two week wait. It's the two weeks between the procedure and the pregnancy test. Time goes backwards for me during this time, so I planned to chronicle the past 2 1/2 years during this time. I feel it to be a productive use of the extra 12 hours in each of my days. You know, since time is going backwards. I plan to explain in greater detail exactly what to expect- since no one talks about infertility out in the open. I have a very close group of people in my life that are going through this journey with me who probably know more about my cycle then any one person should. I am so blessed to have the support of each of them. I'm certain that I couldn't do this alone.
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