Here's the Thanksgiving list, a couple of days late:
4 BIG
1. My relationship with Jesus- can we say... a work in progress? Jesus teaches me every day that He is in control, and all I have to do is to bring glory to His name. Simple. Beautiful. Jesus.
2. Family- I love our family. Every person is so crazy in their own way and I love that.
-My brother married his dream girl in July, and I can't tell you how much I love her. She is an amazing addition to our family. She & my bro prepared the Thanksgiving turkey- deep fried. I'm thankful that I can now blame my weight gain on that dinner, rather than the fertility drugs! For now, anyway!
-My sister has been giving herself injections for psoriatic arthritis for years- weekly shots in her upper thigh. Without her encouraging words and clear strength, I couldn't have taken that first shot of Follistim months ago.
-My parents rock. My Dad & I go to breakfast several times a month, and even though he doesn't quite like to talk about my uterus, he listens and offers support through his hugs & his "I Love You"'s. My Mom is my best friend. There's never been a day where I have to explain why I'm crying or why I'm shouting. She just knows. I hope I'll be that kind of mom to my kids some day.
-Kirk's entire family- they are crazy!! Only a couple of them know about our sitch, but even those who don't are so funny and loud that I can forget about the shots, the pills, the procedures and the monitoring while I'm with them. Possibly because I can't hear myself think, but I appreciate the breaks from my reality, even if for just a couple of hours!
3. Friends- Kirk & I are surrounded by people who love us, right where we are. We're involved in an amazing community group through our church, and our best friendships have formed as a result of that. The women in the group know exactly where we are in our cycle, and they provide countless hours of gentle listening, support, and, of course, tears & smiles. I thank God every day for dropping us exactly where we are.
4. My job- ONLY because, if you don't experience something that you don't love, when you finally do find something that makes your heart beat faster you won't truly appreciate it. I am grateful that I have a job that affords us the ability to pay for treatment, and save for our future baby's needs and wants.
4 little
1. Our house is almost completely decorated for Christmas and I LOVE it!
2. Candles that are scented like the ocean. Actually, they smell nothing like the beaches I've ever been to, but they smell delicious and I quite enjoy them.
3. Chic-Fil-A breakfast sandwiches, with half Sweet Tea and half Lemonade.
4. Scented pillows.
There you have it. Daily, we should reflect on the things in our lives that make living a little sweeter. You don't have to look very far. They're all around.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Big Day.
So... It's been a while since my last blog. Lots has happened. Lots is about to happen. Real soon. So, let's cut to the chase.
IVF Injections = complete! I started out with the morning shots of Lupron, piece of cake. Had my Lupron Evaluation, follicles are present, so that's great! That evening I started my Follistim & Menopur shots. Two problems here:
1. Follistim comes in these little cartriges and you have to put them into a pen before injecting. (The Smarty Pants that I am, I declined the IVF Injection class, telling Nurse Stephanie that I had no problems with the other injections, I don't need your silly class! But thanks for the offer!)Kirk & I watched the video at least 4 times, making the same jokes each time about the "soap" that the demonstrator used to wash her hands and how it looked more like sunscreen than soap. Ha. Ha. I decided to do the Follistim injection first, because it seemed like the harder shot to do. Bottom line, it was easy peasy, lemon squeezy. A little tricky, only because it was different, but only about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 for pain. Yay! Onto the next!!
2. Menopur comes in powder format, and you have to mix it with diluent using this big giant needle. A little scary, but honestly, it's just mixing. Who cares? The needle that I used to inject it was much smaller, a 27 gauge, maybe 1/2 inch needle? Nothing too scary at all. I push the shot in, and then it hits me. The PAIN! Holy goodness, this thing burned like a fire in my belly. For several minutes, I was close to tears. But, as a nurse in the Rockville office told me, I can use a 30 gauge needle to lessen the pain a little bit. (30 gauge is smaller than 27 gauge, don't ask me why.) It still hurt, up until the last shot, but I discovered that holding my breath while I did the shot made it a bit easier.
I've been monitored 5 times this past week, and finally on Friday I had met the criteria to trigger ovulation and schedule Egg Retrieval. I had one follicle that was measuring at 20mm, one at 19, and two at 18, with a bunch more at 16. I had to work on Friday, in order to satisfy a silly requirement at my job, (BUT- the silver lining is that, since I worked on a company paid holiday, I get to use another holiday any time I want, so there!) Waiting all day for my instructions, I finally got the call from the nurse at 7:05pm Friday night. Do you believe this? I mean, I was in their office on Thanksgiving Day, and on Black Friday, someone was still making calls after 4:00 in the afternoon! This place rocks my world. So, Nurse Karen tells me that I'm scheduled for my Egg Retrieval on Sunday at 6:15pm, and that I'll need to take my trigger shot at 6:15am Saturday. Let me tell you about the final injection- the injection that Kirk had to give me in my toukas- specifically, the upper outer quadrant of my toukas. He had to come home from work to do this, bless his heart. He gave me the injection like a pro. It didn't hurt at all, a 2 in fact. Now, it kind of feels like it might be bruised a bit, but that's the nature of the injection, nothing to do with his mad skills as a shooter. Other instructions are pretty simple- nothing to eat after 11am, nothing to drink after 2pm, which is in 10 min... brb- I'm going to get a bev real quick... okay, I'm back, and hydrated! So, tonight, in simple terms, the doctors are going to go through my lady business with a ultrasound probe, and slide a teeny tiny needle next to it, and suck out my follicles through the walls of my ovaries. The more follicles, the better. This procedure is done under IV sedation, so I won't feel or remember a thing. It a word, I'm super stoked. Can't wait. Really really excited. I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses at Shady Grove, I just want to hug and kiss every single person that works there. After the procedure, they'll let me know how many eggs they retrieved, and then I'll receive daily calls to let me know how the fertilized eggs, or embryos, are developing. Then, either on Wednesday or Friday, they will put back the best of the best, and if there are any others that are in great condition, they will be frozen for future transfers. That's about it for what's going on in my life.
What's new with you?
IVF Injections = complete! I started out with the morning shots of Lupron, piece of cake. Had my Lupron Evaluation, follicles are present, so that's great! That evening I started my Follistim & Menopur shots. Two problems here:
1. Follistim comes in these little cartriges and you have to put them into a pen before injecting. (The Smarty Pants that I am, I declined the IVF Injection class, telling Nurse Stephanie that I had no problems with the other injections, I don't need your silly class! But thanks for the offer!)Kirk & I watched the video at least 4 times, making the same jokes each time about the "soap" that the demonstrator used to wash her hands and how it looked more like sunscreen than soap. Ha. Ha. I decided to do the Follistim injection first, because it seemed like the harder shot to do. Bottom line, it was easy peasy, lemon squeezy. A little tricky, only because it was different, but only about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 for pain. Yay! Onto the next!!
2. Menopur comes in powder format, and you have to mix it with diluent using this big giant needle. A little scary, but honestly, it's just mixing. Who cares? The needle that I used to inject it was much smaller, a 27 gauge, maybe 1/2 inch needle? Nothing too scary at all. I push the shot in, and then it hits me. The PAIN! Holy goodness, this thing burned like a fire in my belly. For several minutes, I was close to tears. But, as a nurse in the Rockville office told me, I can use a 30 gauge needle to lessen the pain a little bit. (30 gauge is smaller than 27 gauge, don't ask me why.) It still hurt, up until the last shot, but I discovered that holding my breath while I did the shot made it a bit easier.
I've been monitored 5 times this past week, and finally on Friday I had met the criteria to trigger ovulation and schedule Egg Retrieval. I had one follicle that was measuring at 20mm, one at 19, and two at 18, with a bunch more at 16. I had to work on Friday, in order to satisfy a silly requirement at my job, (BUT- the silver lining is that, since I worked on a company paid holiday, I get to use another holiday any time I want, so there!) Waiting all day for my instructions, I finally got the call from the nurse at 7:05pm Friday night. Do you believe this? I mean, I was in their office on Thanksgiving Day, and on Black Friday, someone was still making calls after 4:00 in the afternoon! This place rocks my world. So, Nurse Karen tells me that I'm scheduled for my Egg Retrieval on Sunday at 6:15pm, and that I'll need to take my trigger shot at 6:15am Saturday. Let me tell you about the final injection- the injection that Kirk had to give me in my toukas- specifically, the upper outer quadrant of my toukas. He had to come home from work to do this, bless his heart. He gave me the injection like a pro. It didn't hurt at all, a 2 in fact. Now, it kind of feels like it might be bruised a bit, but that's the nature of the injection, nothing to do with his mad skills as a shooter. Other instructions are pretty simple- nothing to eat after 11am, nothing to drink after 2pm, which is in 10 min... brb- I'm going to get a bev real quick... okay, I'm back, and hydrated! So, tonight, in simple terms, the doctors are going to go through my lady business with a ultrasound probe, and slide a teeny tiny needle next to it, and suck out my follicles through the walls of my ovaries. The more follicles, the better. This procedure is done under IV sedation, so I won't feel or remember a thing. It a word, I'm super stoked. Can't wait. Really really excited. I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses at Shady Grove, I just want to hug and kiss every single person that works there. After the procedure, they'll let me know how many eggs they retrieved, and then I'll receive daily calls to let me know how the fertilized eggs, or embryos, are developing. Then, either on Wednesday or Friday, they will put back the best of the best, and if there are any others that are in great condition, they will be frozen for future transfers. That's about it for what's going on in my life.
What's new with you?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Kit
When it was time to order my drugs, sweet Nurse Stephanie told me to expect a call from a particular pharmacy. A different pharmacy called me with my order, gave me a grand total (whoa- keep breathing here!! It's only money!!) and told me they'd process my order for a Wednesday delivery. The next day, after talking to Stephanie, she told me that the wrong pharmacy had been faxed my order, and that the correct pharmacy would call me anytime. A day or two later, they called, processed my order, gave me a less grand total saving me lots of moolah. (Thankful!) The kit came on a Friday, which is Community Group night, so I was only able to quickly scan it when we were on our way out the door. In a word? OVERWHELMED. There were bags of needles, syringes, alcohol wipes, medication in boxes, zip packs, bottles... It was like a shmorgasboard of dope. My theme for this IVF is to take thngs one step at a time...
Step 1- Birth Control Pills... check!
Step 2- Lupron... started that on Tuesday morning, will continue until Stephanie tells me to stop! It's a subcutaneous injection in the belly- not a problem at all... check!
Step 3- Lupron Evaluation next Thursday... what are we checking for? I have no idea.
Step 4- I have no idea.
I know that there are a lot of steps. That is the extent of my knowledge on this proces.
I told Kirk the other night that I was a little (or a lot) scared. Are we making the right choices? tops my list of concerns that keeps me awake at night. According to my Mom, (who knows best!), God wouldn't lead us down this path if this wasn't where he wanted us to be. I'm choosing to believe that. I am not sure that I believe it deep deep down in the dark part of my heart, but in my head, I am choosing to rest in Him. He knows what He's doing. He knows step 3, step 33, step 33333. I'm just going to follow His lead.
Step 1- Birth Control Pills... check!
Step 2- Lupron... started that on Tuesday morning, will continue until Stephanie tells me to stop! It's a subcutaneous injection in the belly- not a problem at all... check!
Step 3- Lupron Evaluation next Thursday... what are we checking for? I have no idea.
Step 4- I have no idea.
I know that there are a lot of steps. That is the extent of my knowledge on this proces.
I told Kirk the other night that I was a little (or a lot) scared. Are we making the right choices? tops my list of concerns that keeps me awake at night. According to my Mom, (who knows best!), God wouldn't lead us down this path if this wasn't where he wanted us to be. I'm choosing to believe that. I am not sure that I believe it deep deep down in the dark part of my heart, but in my head, I am choosing to rest in Him. He knows what He's doing. He knows step 3, step 33, step 33333. I'm just going to follow His lead.
Thankful Thursdays- part 2
This week has been tough. Long. Busy. Stressful. But, in the midst of it, there are always silver linings:
1. It's Thursday- the best night of the week for good TV- Survivor, The Office, Project Runway... it's all great.
2. I was sick earlier in the week and am now feeling 98% better! (Kirk is now sick, but hey, he'll be thankful next week that he's feeling 98% better!)
3. The weather has cooled down, and I just know that one day soon we'll start our first fireplace fire & relax and enjoy the warmth.
4. It's almost time to start decorating for Christmas! My co-workers are already sick of me singing Christmas Carols all afternoon long! Just trying to pass the time, people. It could be worse. Much worse. (Last week, I attempted to "rap" instead of sing- Me + Flow Rider = DISASTA!)
5. Grilled Cheese sandwiches always remind me of my childhood. Since I work in the town in which my parents still live, I often call my Mom to see if I can come over for lunch- she makes delicious lunches- occasionally Grilled Cheese sandwiches. I go for the company, the food is an added bonus.
Your turn!
1. It's Thursday- the best night of the week for good TV- Survivor, The Office, Project Runway... it's all great.
2. I was sick earlier in the week and am now feeling 98% better! (Kirk is now sick, but hey, he'll be thankful next week that he's feeling 98% better!)
3. The weather has cooled down, and I just know that one day soon we'll start our first fireplace fire & relax and enjoy the warmth.
4. It's almost time to start decorating for Christmas! My co-workers are already sick of me singing Christmas Carols all afternoon long! Just trying to pass the time, people. It could be worse. Much worse. (Last week, I attempted to "rap" instead of sing- Me + Flow Rider = DISASTA!)
5. Grilled Cheese sandwiches always remind me of my childhood. Since I work in the town in which my parents still live, I often call my Mom to see if I can come over for lunch- she makes delicious lunches- occasionally Grilled Cheese sandwiches. I go for the company, the food is an added bonus.
Your turn!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Object Lessons
Lesson # 1- God to Kelly- I am in control.
At the beginning of our road to find out why we weren't making babies, my GYN ordered bloodwork, SA, etc... all of which came back "normal". Moving on to the next step was a procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram- or HSG- a procedure where dye is injected into your cervix and watched on an X-ray to see if your tubes are blocked or open. This was the first seemingly serious test that I'd had done, and I. Was. Petrified. I called his office the day before and was given a RX for one Valium. I took it about 5 minutes before we walked into the hospital. I was so scared, but confident that, at any second, the Valium would do it's magical work and I'd be high as a kite. Too bad for me, that my doctor was running AHEAD of schedule, and he was able to start the procedure well before my appointment time, leaving no time for the drug to do it's job. Cut to the chase- this procedure, on a pain scale of 1 to 10, was a 9. I was crying, shaking, the whole bit. The catheter, once it was "in", was looped around itself in such a way that when my doc injected the dye, it just spilled back out, and by out, I mean OUT. Take two. Let's give this another go. Same story- another looped catheter. Doc says- "I can't do this again- it's too much for you." I say- "You must do this again, I can't leave here without an answer!" (Because, after all, the world operates on my schedule. Or at least, it should.) Doc- "No, we're going to schedule you for a Laparoscopy, and you'll be asleep for the procedure and it will show more anyway." Me- "BWAHH AHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAA". Not even being dramatic here. I guess at this point, the Valium was affecting me. Way to show up fashionably late, Valium! Well done!!
I know, it's a long story, and this wasn't even half of it. But skip to that night, when my darling Mom had come over to check on me after my day's adventures. She brought me a cute top and a pair of gouchos to cheer me up, and she said these words... "Maybe it's God's way of making sure that you don't waste any time... what if the results were fine and your doctor told you to keep trying because your tubes weren't blocked? Maybe they'll find something with the Laparoscopy that they couldn't with the HSG?" She is so wise. My Laparoscopy revealed Endometriosis- the reason my GYN believed that I wasn't getting pregnant. (Turns out that my RE doesn't think that's necessarily the reason, but forget that for now.) The moral of the story is- if I'd had that test done, and my tubes were open, (which, for those of you wondering about my tubes- they are wide open), then who knows how long we'd have waited to find out that I had endometriosis? My GYN blasted it away, along with some of my doubts about God's workings in my life.
Lesson #2- God to Kelly- You are not in control.
A couple of weeks ago, I came home after work with my delicious dinner from Chic Fil A- nuggets, fries, Dr. Pepper, and lots of buttermilk ranch dressing to drench everything in. (Thanks Amy for sharing that jewel of information. My thighs are so relieved to have more of a reason to jiggle.) I put my dinner on the table in our kitchen, and am chatting with another friend of ours who is waiting for Kirk to play softball. I hear an unfamiliar sound coming from the other side of the kitchen... look a little closer, and realize that we have a major leak happening in our kitchen from the ceiling- drywall is not so dry, you know what I'm saying? The floor is soaked, I'm freaking out, I mean, I don't know what else to do so my default reaction is to freak out. Cut off in traffic? Freak out. Coffee is lukewarm and not perfectly hot? Freak out. Wake up at 6:52 when my alarm is set for 7? Freak out. So I'll skip the boring stuff- we had to call a guy that our friends use to come out and look at the leak, he tells me all about the problem... (blah blah, my dinner is now cold as ice... freaking out!)... and he leaves. I've cleaned up the kitchen as best as I could, and have a bucket placed under the leak, which is now a drip every 30 seconds or so. Finally, I'm eating my Chick Fil A. That really has nothing to do with the story. I'm really distracted tonight. Can't seem to stay on topic... freaking out! FOCUS!! Okay, the plumber comes the next day and I leave the checkbook in the bowl on our counter so Kirk can pay the guy. Kirk calls me at work to tell me the damage, and I go about the rest of my day, relieved that it's being taken care of. A couple of days later, I asked Kirk where the checkbook was, he can't remember. He looks around for a few minutes, and decides to go to bed and look for it tomorrow. He gets out of bed 5 minutes later and tears apart our kitchen/ dining room/ basket on our steps/ office/ bedroom/ bathroom/ laundry room looking for this checkbook. It is clearly keeping him awake. He can't find it. Secretly, I get very angry at him, because, he lost our checkbook! I know it was a mistake, and that's why I'm keeping it a secret that I'm SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF! So, I do what any good wife would do... I decide to find it myself! I pray, and ask God to show me, because I know that He knows, and... nothing. My next move was to... brace yourself... freak out! whenever Kirk did anything even slightly wrong, because HE LOST OUR CHECKBOOK! He overpoured a glass of milk, FREAKING OUT SO FREAKING MAD FREAK OUT! Finally, at dinner last night, I confess that I'm harboring all of this anger toward him and ask him to forgive me, which he does, because he is the better person EVERY TIME. After dinner, I walk upstairs to watch a few videos on how to shoot myself full of the new medications that arrived on Friday. I'm saying to God, "You know, I was honest with Kirk and everything and yet still, we don't have the checkbook" when, for whatever reason, I look to my left, under the paper tray of our printer, and... it's the checkbook. God's timing is really something. Something Amazing. Something Perfect. Something that I'll never understand.
I am not a fan of the pastime of Learning Lessons. I like to know it all up front. However, I am so grateful that My Jesus knows exactly how to get through to me in a big way. I mean, a checkbook! A X-Ray! These are things that, as long as I live, I will remember with such gratitude for His grace and mercy every single second of every day of my life.
I would love to hear about any lessons that have made a life changing impact in your life or in the life of someone you know. Care to share?
At the beginning of our road to find out why we weren't making babies, my GYN ordered bloodwork, SA, etc... all of which came back "normal". Moving on to the next step was a procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram- or HSG- a procedure where dye is injected into your cervix and watched on an X-ray to see if your tubes are blocked or open. This was the first seemingly serious test that I'd had done, and I. Was. Petrified. I called his office the day before and was given a RX for one Valium. I took it about 5 minutes before we walked into the hospital. I was so scared, but confident that, at any second, the Valium would do it's magical work and I'd be high as a kite. Too bad for me, that my doctor was running AHEAD of schedule, and he was able to start the procedure well before my appointment time, leaving no time for the drug to do it's job. Cut to the chase- this procedure, on a pain scale of 1 to 10, was a 9. I was crying, shaking, the whole bit. The catheter, once it was "in", was looped around itself in such a way that when my doc injected the dye, it just spilled back out, and by out, I mean OUT. Take two. Let's give this another go. Same story- another looped catheter. Doc says- "I can't do this again- it's too much for you." I say- "You must do this again, I can't leave here without an answer!" (Because, after all, the world operates on my schedule. Or at least, it should.) Doc- "No, we're going to schedule you for a Laparoscopy, and you'll be asleep for the procedure and it will show more anyway." Me- "BWAHH AHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAA". Not even being dramatic here. I guess at this point, the Valium was affecting me. Way to show up fashionably late, Valium! Well done!!
I know, it's a long story, and this wasn't even half of it. But skip to that night, when my darling Mom had come over to check on me after my day's adventures. She brought me a cute top and a pair of gouchos to cheer me up, and she said these words... "Maybe it's God's way of making sure that you don't waste any time... what if the results were fine and your doctor told you to keep trying because your tubes weren't blocked? Maybe they'll find something with the Laparoscopy that they couldn't with the HSG?" She is so wise. My Laparoscopy revealed Endometriosis- the reason my GYN believed that I wasn't getting pregnant. (Turns out that my RE doesn't think that's necessarily the reason, but forget that for now.) The moral of the story is- if I'd had that test done, and my tubes were open, (which, for those of you wondering about my tubes- they are wide open), then who knows how long we'd have waited to find out that I had endometriosis? My GYN blasted it away, along with some of my doubts about God's workings in my life.
Lesson #2- God to Kelly- You are not in control.
A couple of weeks ago, I came home after work with my delicious dinner from Chic Fil A- nuggets, fries, Dr. Pepper, and lots of buttermilk ranch dressing to drench everything in. (Thanks Amy for sharing that jewel of information. My thighs are so relieved to have more of a reason to jiggle.) I put my dinner on the table in our kitchen, and am chatting with another friend of ours who is waiting for Kirk to play softball. I hear an unfamiliar sound coming from the other side of the kitchen... look a little closer, and realize that we have a major leak happening in our kitchen from the ceiling- drywall is not so dry, you know what I'm saying? The floor is soaked, I'm freaking out, I mean, I don't know what else to do so my default reaction is to freak out. Cut off in traffic? Freak out. Coffee is lukewarm and not perfectly hot? Freak out. Wake up at 6:52 when my alarm is set for 7? Freak out. So I'll skip the boring stuff- we had to call a guy that our friends use to come out and look at the leak, he tells me all about the problem... (blah blah, my dinner is now cold as ice... freaking out!)... and he leaves. I've cleaned up the kitchen as best as I could, and have a bucket placed under the leak, which is now a drip every 30 seconds or so. Finally, I'm eating my Chick Fil A. That really has nothing to do with the story. I'm really distracted tonight. Can't seem to stay on topic... freaking out! FOCUS!! Okay, the plumber comes the next day and I leave the checkbook in the bowl on our counter so Kirk can pay the guy. Kirk calls me at work to tell me the damage, and I go about the rest of my day, relieved that it's being taken care of. A couple of days later, I asked Kirk where the checkbook was, he can't remember. He looks around for a few minutes, and decides to go to bed and look for it tomorrow. He gets out of bed 5 minutes later and tears apart our kitchen/ dining room/ basket on our steps/ office/ bedroom/ bathroom/ laundry room looking for this checkbook. It is clearly keeping him awake. He can't find it. Secretly, I get very angry at him, because, he lost our checkbook! I know it was a mistake, and that's why I'm keeping it a secret that I'm SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF! So, I do what any good wife would do... I decide to find it myself! I pray, and ask God to show me, because I know that He knows, and... nothing. My next move was to... brace yourself... freak out! whenever Kirk did anything even slightly wrong, because HE LOST OUR CHECKBOOK! He overpoured a glass of milk, FREAKING OUT SO FREAKING MAD FREAK OUT! Finally, at dinner last night, I confess that I'm harboring all of this anger toward him and ask him to forgive me, which he does, because he is the better person EVERY TIME. After dinner, I walk upstairs to watch a few videos on how to shoot myself full of the new medications that arrived on Friday. I'm saying to God, "You know, I was honest with Kirk and everything and yet still, we don't have the checkbook" when, for whatever reason, I look to my left, under the paper tray of our printer, and... it's the checkbook. God's timing is really something. Something Amazing. Something Perfect. Something that I'll never understand.
I am not a fan of the pastime of Learning Lessons. I like to know it all up front. However, I am so grateful that My Jesus knows exactly how to get through to me in a big way. I mean, a checkbook! A X-Ray! These are things that, as long as I live, I will remember with such gratitude for His grace and mercy every single second of every day of my life.
I would love to hear about any lessons that have made a life changing impact in your life or in the life of someone you know. Care to share?
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